5 Jan 2015

Moving Sites

Hi all!

Today I am announcing that my site is in the process of moving. For the past 4 years, this blog has been a really big part of my life, and it is really tough saying goodbye to it. I have been through so many ups and downs with this blog, and many of you have been there right there with me.

Something that I would like to note is that this blog is not going anywhere. This website is still going to be up, and I'll only be updating this site occasionally. I'll be working on a new blog, and sometimes I will be revamping some of the older posts that I have put on this blog.

I view my new blog as a fresh start, since I view high school and college as two completely different worlds. I've changed a lot since this blog has started, and I think a new blog would be healthy for my writing goals.

You guys can find me here. Hope to see you all there!

20 Nov 2014

Forget Her

Forget her number.

Stop calling her. Stop Facebooking her. Stop making up excuses to talk to her, to see her face.

Erase everything about her from memory. Remove her from your life, more than you would like but as much as you both deserve. Start to move on, so that she can move on too. When you go to sleep, you can't see her face beneath your eyelids. You don't get to anymore. You are not allowed to think about how soft her lips are, the warmth of her skin when she's next to you, or how she sometimes make little noises when she's asleep. Forget how she needs to hold your hand so that she can sleep. Forget the smell of her perfume, or how she likes her coffee with two sugars, or the first time she said that she loved you.

She loved you so much.

But now that time is over.

Forget her voice. Forget the way that she says your name, or the first time she called your name and your heart skipped a beat. Forget the one time you got sick and she cuddled with you all night, having your head on her lap and stroking your hair with her fingers. Forget the way that she looks in your hoodies.

Forget everything.

Come to the realization that she only existed to you at a point in the past, and not again in the present or future. It is not fair for you to dangle hope in front of her eyes that can be taken away at any moment. Stop saying that you are fine being "friends" when you talk to her time and again giving her hope in a future that doesn't exist. She deserves someone better, someone who is willing to give her a future.

Don't tell her that you miss her. Don't tell her that you visit her social media profiles to see if there is someone new, and that it still hurts you to see her relationship status as "single". Don't tell her that it pains you even more to see her in a relationship with someone else. The two of you are over, and it's about time to let her go and allow her to live her life. Stop trying to hold her back and make everything about you. Stop making her wait for you to make a decision.

Don't tell her that you can't handle finality and settling down, that you don't like the idea that relationships can go one way or the other.

Through your actions, you are telling her that she is only an option, that you need someone to come home to. You are saying that you haven't found anyone else who is willing to stay all night with you, who is thoughtful, and more loyal to you.

She'll always be loyal to you.

She's always been there for you: someone who you can lean on, the guarantee that if you call upon her, she'll always be there to answer. That when your hand reaches out, she'll grab it and make you feel safe. But what have you done for her?

She is made of heat. And you of ice, and you are afraid that one day her heat will melt your cold heart. Your actions have been driven by fear. The hypocrisy of your actions are unspeakable. You are cowardly. You are scared that she might find someone better for her and leave, but you are too afraid to let her go, and that you will one day succumb to her heat. She is too much for you right now.

But if not now, when?

Because if you can't choose to love her now, you can't choose to love her later.

2 Nov 2014

People are Made Up of Stories

Dear Gina,

A friend recommended me here, so I'm rather new to your blog. She sent me a link to your site, and I became a huge fan after reading some posts. To tell you the truth, there were times where I had tears in my eyes because so many of your experiences were so similar to mine. Hopefully I can tell my story to you the way you tell your story to everyone on your blog.

I realized that I was attracted to boys near the end of high school. (That was the same experience for me too by the way. -G) For 3 years, I had a girlfriend, and even though I didn't realize I was gay, I'm pretty sure my girlfriend knew. I told her that I wanted to take things slowly, and to my relief, she agreed. I started my first year in college, and I decided to take the time I had for myself to find out what I really wanted from life. When I realized that I was gay, it was a scary period of my life. My family was (and still is) conservative in terms of marriage, and I didn't know who to talk to. (This part is scary when you consider that my coming out story is almost the same.)

Over the next couple of years, I met this wonderful guy named John at a frat party. We talked for a while, and I found myself falling for him, even though I was hesitant about getting into any relationship at the time. He wanted to be in an open relationship, but I wasn't comfortable with that, so we agreed to be friends.

Through him, I got to know many other people in the LGBT community on campus. As the semester wore on, myself, him and a few others became close friends. I forgot that I had feelings for him, and I moved on to other pursuits.

When spring semester came around, John realized that he had stronger feelings for me than he had realized. But what he didn't realize was that I was developing feelings for someone else, a mutual friend by the name of Aaron. I decided to tell Aaron about my feelings, and we decided to hide this from John in order to not hurt his feelings.

What ended up happening was a huge mess. This other friend found out about our situation, and decided to write about us on the school newspaper. He thought that John would never know that it was about us. John eventually figured it out, and the whole situation became complicated. Our feelings got into the way of our friendships, causing a distance between all 4 of us.

After a while of drama, I decided to try and create some distance between us, because I felt as if it was my fault that this happened.

I guess its safe to say that we have all changed since then. But there is not a day that I wishes that I handled this situation differently. I probably would never have this type of friendship anytime soon, and I  wish that wasn't the case. When I read some of your posts, it caused me to think of my friendships with my people. I regret the lines that I've crossed with each of these people

Ever since coming out, I never got friends like that again. But there are times where I miss all the fun that we used to have, and all the moments that we went through. I read your post Letter to a Friend, and it really struck a chord with me because that was how I felt with my friendships. I regret crossing a line that I shouldn't have.

Ever since I had come to terms with myself, I never knew many other queer people that I could connect with. This is especially tragic because I feel as if I can't even be acquaintances with John and Aaron. There were several times where we tried to see if we could be friends again, but then realized that we had lost the spark that had made us friends in the first place.

Ever since I came out to my colleagues and friends, I've been proud of who I am. Everyone knew what I identified as, and they knew that being gay was only part of my identity. My parents are still pretty upset that I am who I am, but there's really no room for such negativity in my life. But there are times when I wished that being gay was a bigger part of my identity. If it were, I think I would've met some more friends who were like me, and my life wouldn't be so boring.

Thanks again for reading this email. I believe that your blog has made me think of starting my own, since opening up to others has been therapeutic to me. Good luck in everything.

6 Oct 2014

Personal Life Update

So I've realized that I haven't really updated this blog in terms of my personal life recently, and I truly plan on changing that. I also plan to change the frequency that I post, since I do want a future as a creative writer.

Update #1: I now have a girlfriend! Her name is Steph, and she is a graduate student at UCLA. I met her over the summer, and we've been talking ever since. She is amazing and really beautiful and I can't believe that she agreed to go out with me.

Update #2: I have started a Youtube channel. Sorry it took me so long to update you all on this piece of news. If you want to check out my channel, click here. It would be nice if you guys decided to subscribe :)

And as of this moment, my grades and GPA come first. With that said, I will try to bring this blog back to life.

So thus far, that's about it for my life. Hope you all have a good time.

22 Jul 2014

Blogging as Art

I've been pretty frustrated with writing and blogging lately. Recently, the inspiration to write has been difficult to come by, and sometimes putting my thoughts into words on paper seems extremely difficult. But in the last couple of days I wanted to write creatively again, so I told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and just write. Most days I need to fight the feeling to just lie in bed and go on Netflix, which gets worse the longer I'm on Netflix, which makes studying and writing more difficult than before. But I realized that sometimes I just need to do it, regardless of how crappy my writing turns out to be; otherwise, I might as well stop calling myself a writer and give up this blog.

Which I have no intention of doing, I love this blog too much.

The problem with my blog (and all blogs in general) is that its only one person that's writing everything, and if you're not capable of posting a certain number of times, then the blog just dies quietly. This death does not really mean you stop writing, although that does happen occasionally, but more so that less readers are interested in your writing. And to every who says that they don't care about the number of readers that they have, that's total bullish*t. Everyone wants readers. We may differ in the number of readers that we want: maybe a few trusted friends, maybe even people who you've never met before. But the fact remains: we still want people to see our work. Otherwise, maintaining a blog would be pointless. A blog is a website that we share with the world, which inherently means that you want to share it with people. Even if its one or two other people. I'm feeling like I'm sort of asking one question that philosophers have been pondering throughout millennia: What's the point of doing things if you don't have a goal?

Because a blog (and writing as a whole) is an activity that requires readers and other such participants, then maybe some standards need to placed. Why do things if you're only going to give 50%? Might as well give a hundred. This applies to blogging, and to life in general.

Which brings me to the point of this post: that if you give enough effort, blogging can be an art form, in the same way as other types of writing are considered art forms. Some people seem to view blogs as just hobbies, which is alright, but I have this feeling that many bloggers tend to limit their blogs as only a way to create another thing, rather than the blog itself. I understand this concept, as one of the main reasons why I started this blog was to practice my writing skills. But that doesn't mean that we should treat our blogs in any way less than we would treat a novel, or a poem. Some of the blogs that I've found in my years of blogging have connected to me on a very personal level. What makes this less of a connection because this connection was made in a blog and not through a book? When your aim is to connect with others as a human, where does the art truly begin?

It's really interesting to see how similar the intentions of all artists can be. And the main goal of artists, no matter from which walk of life they come from, is to create things.

So here's my advice for all the other bloggers. I hope that bloggers start thinking of blogging as something that is just as capable of being admired as all the other forms of art that can be found out there. We are all artists here, even if some of us might reject that title. Only you can judge whether or not its worthy for the world to see.

12 Jun 2014

The Problem With Faith

I'm not a big person of faith, and for the past few years I have become far less gullible than before. But then again I believe in such things as love, and that belief that all people are good. Personally, I just think of myself as a skeptic who treats everything with a grain of salt.

When asked about my religion, I introduce myself as a Buddhist, just so I don't have to explain my views every single time. But to describe my beliefs in a single religion is inaccurate. I have a moral code and everything, but it just doesn't fall neatly into any one religion or category. It just seems as if people are too  quick to label others into any one category. But I don't see the point of going to church or mass if you don't truly believe in God. I don't believe that performing some ritual will guarantee me some place in heaven.

I don't have a real problem with being thrown in any group by people that I don't know, I just only accept ideas that I have thought through myself. I enjoy the freedom that not having a religion provides, and the ideal that my life is my own.

Which is why I found it so shocking that the issue of abortion is still such a huge issue. I myself was part of an abortion conflict a couple of weeks ago that happened on my campus. There were huge billboards comparing women who got abortions to genocide and the Nazis. This was absolutely ridiculous, and many other people thought so too. For some religious people, the term FAITH (all capitals) serves as an excuse to not accept people who are different then they and therefore spread hate.

This is not to say that all religious people are this way, not at all. It seems to me as if there is a lot of finger-pointing going on whenever religion, specifically Christianity, is brought up. Things have gotten so bad that now whenever someone so much as says, "Well, the Bible said..." I literally block them out. There is a passage that the sociologist Randy David carefully points out in his essay which says that we "are quick to accept the conditions of our lives as though they were unchangeable givens, waiting for a providential God to supply what we lack."

This point is true and extraordinarily tragic. There seems to be a dependence on behavior, that some thing out there will fix everything out there for us if we go to church every Sunday, or pray to this somebody, or celebrate a certain day every year, or chant with beads, is nothing but praying that an illusion is more than that.

But then again, I can't blame some people for this, as much as I don't understand. There has been more than a fair share of tragedies that have been thrown at us the last couple of months or even years (various shootings: UCSB, Aurora, Sandy Hook), and there are a lot of people who have a need to understand that there is a purpose or meaning to all of this madness. And for some people, there is God or other divinities, and they believe that this will help them understand.

Maybe it can be thought of as a loss that I do not share this belief, that I don't believe that there is something better on the mystical "other side". And to me, it doesn't matter whether or not I believe. What I do believe in is living in the here and now, not waiting to die and hope for something better.

I flipped back in an essay that I wrote a couple of months ago which summarizes my thoughts:

"I've always known that I was insignificant to the world but significant to a few people. Rather: even though I may not matter to thousands of people like celebrities are and may never become famous, I am important to the few lives that I have and will touch in my lifetime. Therefore, I can say that I have power to a certain extent.

Some people believe that they are unimportant to the world in general, and therefore drown themselves in alcohol or drugs. There are people who do have a lot of power, be it in money, armies, or fame. There are also others, like me, who enjoy making some sort of difference in the world."

20 May 2014

Messed Up Chances

My first adventures towards dating was over the Internet, through this amazing website named Tumblr. To give all of you who don't use Tumblr an idea of how it works, it's a website where you can "reblog" any post, be it a picture or a text post, and put it on your own blog. It's a social media website because you can send other users questions, where it's anonymous or not. Although not a dating website, if two people talk to each other, there is always a chance that these two might date. 

I met several girls through this website. Well, over the computer of course. Although I was "out" to all of my friends, I still wasn't ready to actually go out on a date. But talking to people online kind of helped with through the process.

I remember chatting to this girl named Leah. She seemed interesting. She liked doing the same things that I liked, and sometimes we talked for hours. After a while, she asked if I wanted to talk over the phone, and I said yes without thinking.

I found that, like me, she was pretty awkward over the phone. She was really quiet, which I liked. We talked about our liking for the show Once Upon a Time, and our love for books like Harry Potter. As a sort of phone date, it was pretty nice.

After a while of silence, she then asked me if I wanted to meet face to face. In my gut, I expected this, but it still seemed random. I replied with a moment of tense silence. She then asked me if I was still there, and I could hear the awkwardness in her voice. I told her that I would consider it.

I then told her goodnight. I was tired, and I wasn't sure about what my answer would be.

The next morning, I called her and left a voice message, saying yes. She replied minutes later, saying that we could meet at the Starbucks down the street.

I spent the next few hours stressing out about the date. There were several scenarios that was going through my mind. I knew what she looked like, and honestly, I wasn't attracted to her. What if she was hurt by my behavior? What if someone from Starbucks recognized me when I'm with her?

I tried calming down, but I couldn't. So I decided to watch a new episode of Doctor Who.

Twenty minutes before 5:30, our appointed time, I made the final decision. I wasn't going to go. There were too many uncertainties. I tried taking a nap, but I kept tossing around.

My phone rang, time and again. I couldn't bring myself to respond. I already knew what she would say, "Where are you? Why did you stand me up?" I hated myself for what I did.

And there was this small nagging doubt in my mind saying that I would never find someone I found attractive. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life with no one to love me.