27 December 2011
I have lived in California my whole life, and I am proud to say that California does not have that many rainy days. But when it does rain, everything has to be canceled, and I basically have to sit at home doing nothing until either the clouds go away or the weather clears up (i.e. it stops raining). I believe that rainy days have a lot to do with what has been happening to my life in the present.
I have had dark thoughts for the past couple of months. My mood can be comparable to a rainy day. What I mean to say is, everything seems wrong, nothing seems right. For example, lets take my parents. What happens is that for the most part, I feel as if they don't understand me. When I'm trying to tell them something, they act as if they don't care. Although I know that many teenagers feel this way, I believe that my case is kinda special. My parents have the capability to listen to me. They are pretty much aware of my situation, and they choose to do nothing about it. We give this facade of a perfect family, and we are so happy that we don't know what to do with each other. I mean, this is fake. It's not as if my parents care about me. I'm nothing more to them as a potential bragging rights person. I look at other kids with their parents. I have to say that I am beyond envious whenever I see a kid being loved by a parent. I never had that. I saw a video of Miranda Kerr a couple of days ago, and she said that she wants to be with her kid every second of every day. I mean, I need that kind of love. Makes me kind of want to be her kid. Everyday, I have to tread carefully around them, for fear of making mistakes. My parents don't tolerate mistakes. Absolutely no deviation from the line that they have already drawn. Any deviation and its like touching the third rail of the subway thing.
Sometimes, I don't know what to do. Parents are supposed to be understanding. Every time I try to think of a solution to my situation, I come up with a blank.
It's not as if my friends are any better.
Friends are just friends right? They are the ones that are there for fun, and they leave when things get tough, right? No. Friends are supposed to be there forever. Friends are supposed to be the ones that are with you no matter what. They are there, besides family, through thick and thin. But as I think about it carefully, I don't have such friends. My mentor is dead, under the ground. Friends? What friends? Did I have any friend mentors? No. I have friends, but I don't have any that I can trust totally. I don't have any that I'm really close to, none that I can trust without reservation. No friend has yet to earn that kind of trust. For the most part, I think that I have walled myself off from potential people who might be trusted. There is this huge question mark that seems to hang over their head.
As I'm looking up at a cloudy sky, I think of these issues in my messed up life. One big question looms large, "What kind of a person have I become?" I never used to think this way. I'm supposed to be a happy person. Since when have I become so doom laden that I think no one loved me? Since ever, I realized.
And what can I say? I know myself best, and if I had to answer truthfully, I would have said something like, "I'm mainly the same person, but I have become bitter. Bitter with life, fearful of what might happen if I make a mistake. It's as if I'm standing on a skyscraper, when a single mistaken step will drop me to death."
Only that the death I'm talking about is of course metaphorical. This death is much worse.
22 December 2011
This is one quote that I really liked a lot: "True friends are the ones who never leave your heart, even if they leave your life for awhile. Even after years apart, you pick up with them right where you left off, and even if they die they're never dead in your heart." I guess one of the reasons why I like this quote is that it's so true.
One of the reasons why I love old friends is the memories that you share with them. One of my old friends that I have had since 1st grade affected my life since she has been in my life for so long. In a way, this post is sort of a dedication to you, Jennifer, because you have just been so great of an influence. Thanks for being my first real best friend.
Although I moved away before Jennifer and I could really develop any type of close relationship, we were close enough to understand where we were and remember each other. We keep in touch, and this relationship, as I said, affected me to a great degree. In 5th grade, we had an extended conversation. I remember that our talks became more and more awkward now that we were growing apart. We started having different interests, different friends, different spheres of what our world was defined by. We still called each other friends, but we were never real friends anymore. This one talk was the longest that we would ever had again.
You were talking about accepting who you really are. I remember being skeptical about everything. The reason why I was so skeptical was because I kept thinking, "We are in 5th grade! What is this talk about "accepting ourselves"?! Aren't only teenagers supposed to think this?" I was kinda ignorant of the minds of people then. But then you were talking about liking girls. Truthfully, at that time, I had no idea what you were talking about. Liking girls? I had never been exposed to this topic before. Liking girls was a kind of taboo topic that I never dared talk about with my mom. Only later did I know that being lesbian in my family was as close as you can get to sentencing yourself to death in this family. Please don't ask me to explain. It's too complicated for me to explain. Maybe in some later post.
Liking girls. An euphemism for being lesbian. I wish I was there to know what to say, Jenny. I really do. But then, I didn't even know that it was possible to like people of the same sex.
But I guess what affected me the most about that conversation was that you were already on your way to accepting who you truly are. I haven't even given a thought to what I was even yet. Hell, I haven't found out anything when I was in 5th grade. And you were already thinking such complex thoughts. Many people don't think of such things until they hit high school or something. Which is what I'm doing now.
Our conversations turned to be less and less common as time went on. As I said before, our personalities have diverged. Different personalities, not seeing each other for a long period of time. Pretty soon after that, we stopped talking to each other altogether. We stopped being friends altogether.
As I said, friends for any period of time leave a mark on your heart. No matter how careful you are, true friends always find a way to find a place in your heart to always remain in. They leave a mark in your heart, no matter how hard you try to abolish them from memory.
21 December 2011
"Do you believe in friendship, the kinds that just happens?"
"I don't know what you are talking about."
"It's just, that I'm trying to work past this huge breakup I had with a few friends. I don't believe in friendship anymore. I don't even think that the concept even exists anymore. I mean, I can't stop thinking how these friends dumped me."
"You can't keep harping about this one issue that happened to you in the past. If you do, you'll never get over it."
"What if I don't want to get over it?"
"Then you are a fool to want to keep false friends."
"But I thought they were my real friends. They acted like my friends. I really connected with them, like, instantly."
"Gina! Sometimes you are so stupid! What did I just say? I called them 'false friends'! What part of that don't you understand? Why is your skull so thick on this subject? Grow up and know that they were false. They were never right in the first place."
"I just feel as if I can somehow make up to them. Somehow, maybe, we might be friends again."
"That's stupid. It's been months."
"How do you know if a friend is right for you?"
"You really don't until you take some time with them. Then you feel if they are right for you. Through experience."
"What do you mean by feel?"
"Did you ever feel nervous when you were with the friends that broke up with you?"
"Yeah, I guess. I always felt scared that they would ask me to do something that I didn't want to do. I always felt as if they were daring me to do something. Something that they knew I was not comfortable with. They were also, I don't know, they were of a different personality. They liked things that I didn't. They were always picking on my problems. I never felt that I was good enough for them."
"There you have it then. They did you a favor by dumping you then. You shouldn't be messed up about this situation at all. I never thought of you as a fool. They never deserved you as a friend in the first place. Shake them out of your mind and heart. Never miss them again. Never even miss them. Ignore them as much as possible. You said something about how they ignored you for a while? Ignore them now. Ignore them forever. Now, how about your other friends that didn't dump you? What were they like?"
"I guess I see your point. They weren't as mean."
"You had better see my point. If you don't, you don't deserve to have the grades that you have are inflated."
"Thanks for your motivating little speech."
"You are always welcome to my knowledge."
19 December 2011
Anyway, today is the first official day of Winter Break, which is only a two week thing. What I am supposed to be doing right now is tanning in a beach in Rio de Janeiro, not sitting at home doing nothing. The thing is that my parents canceled the tickets last minute because they didn't want me hopping to some foreign country all by myself. The thing that gets me mad is that I've done this before, and its not as if its my first time alone in some country or state that is a couple of miles from my home. OK, I know that Brazil is not a “couple of miles”, but I believe as a teenager, I am old enough not to get kidnapped by some Mafia organization as soon as I step outside of my house. Another thing is that my headphones died on me yesterday, which is a pity because I can't listen to any music on my MP3 anymore. But that's the negative side of the story.
On the positive end of the stick, I get to blog a lot more, get homework done, and I can sleep for any amount of time that I want. Seriously, for the last couple of weeks since the beginning of junior year, I felt like I haven't slept in my bed or anything. Its time for me to get more acquainted with my bed. As time goes by, I realize that I have more time to do what I want than ever before. For example, I can go to the movies without the fear of a test or quiz the next day. School has been really hectic as soon as it started, but the thing is, besides the homework, its not as bad as I thought it would be. Everyone that I knew said that I should be freaking out in junior year because of all the classes, but in reality, I'm doing quite nicely.
What else is there to do when you are all alone at home? Of course, there is a scary side to being alone with no one to talk to. I always feel as if a serial killer is going to jump out and hack my head off with an ax or something. It must be all the horror movies that I have been watching. Now that I mentioned that, I am really freaking out. I am not kidding, I am not enjoying myself. I should be partying as soon as my parents step out of the door, but really? I mean, partying all day isn't fun. Things like that get old after a while. Times like these make me feel like I want a brother, but then I remembered how happy I am with a practically all girls family. The only person that I feel sorry for is my dad. He is practically all alone in this family. Sucks for him, I guess.
OK, I should stop yapping about random things. Makes me sound weird. As of this winter break, I am prepared to lose weight like never before. Seriously, for the past couple of years, I have started gaining weight with exponential speed. I look as if I just swallowed a cow. Its damaging to my image. I am not the person that I used to be. In the next two weeks, I am going to end this pity fest and get skinnier. Not skinny as in anorexic skinny, but skinny as in healthy skinny.
I have listed my thoughts for winter break as of now. Even as this is this is the first day of break, I kind of miss seeing my friends and classmates. I got a little of that as I was running around the track at school, but I wish I could REALLY talk to my friends. I mean, most of the friends that I have, they don't talk to me, you know? They have other friends who they talk to, and I end up all alone by myself. But we digress from the topic at hand. Winter break is not the fun and games traditional people are used to. As an Asian, I am destined to live a kinda boring life. But its all good, I wouldn't have it any other way.
18 December 2011
For the last couple of days, I have been thinking about the important things that I have in life. Of course, Christmas is nearby, and it is natural for people to think about why they are grateful in life. People nowadays are so immersed in their everyday lives that they do not realize that they have everything to be happy. All people want is more, and I can understand what they're thinking, only that its wrong. Life is not about friends, or what material things you have. What is important is yourself and family.
Why is life not about friends? Friends are only temporarily there. In high school, friends might seem as if they mean the world, but in reality, they don't mean a thing. I am not saying that one should not have friends, but I had to learn the hard way that people are not always as they seem. There was this group of girls that I met my freshman year that turned out horrible. The short period that I felt as if I was their friend, in reality, they were playing with me. As my example shows, friends are there and gone. After high school is over, everyone is going their separate ways. Will all of you go to the same college? Most likely not, and even if you do go to the same college as your friends, most likely all of you would go your separate ways anyway.
Let's move on to the material things in life. What makes you happy? Is it a new car, an iPod, or clothes (if you're a girl)? I mean, all of these things get old. There is no other description for it. How long do you expect these things to last or remain in style? How long will an iPod last until it is replaced by an iTouch or an iPad? All of these things really doesn't mean anything once you start to digging deep into yourself. Material things like the ones listed above last temporarily. They do not make you truly happy, and never will. There comes a time when money and material goods doesn't matter all that much anymore.
Moral of the story: Be grateful with what you have, and don't always go after all that you don't have. There always will be something that is out of reach.
17 December 2011
Now is the time in which seniors get to decide which university or college they want to go to. I get to relax for another year before the pressure starts setting in. College is a big business, obviously not something to laugh at. So since the theme of this post is college, I am going to list my top 5 colleges that I would do anything to go to.
- New York University (NYU): I love New York. It is one of the best places in the world in my opinion. Although NYU doesn't have a distinct campus, it is still a prestigious school. The thing that I really like about NYU is that they have a good transfer student program. I can literally go see the world if I felt like it. I would do anything to go and live in New York. It is the best place in the world besides Paris.
- Columbia University: Also located in downtown New York, I believe that it is a higher university than NYU. If I get accepted to both Columbia and NYU, I would honestly have a tough choice choosing between those two.
- Brown University – The main thing that I like about Brown is that the campus looks amazing. I bet I'll love it there, but then I have to boot up my GPA a little bit.
- Yale – This is a huge college that I am looking at. When I say huge, I mean really big. If I graduate from Yale, it will make my parents' lives. They live to brag off of me. Every time I win an award or something, all they do is to tell everyone they know how I won. It can get really irritating at times, but we digress. Yale is a really good college.
- Johns-Hopkins University – Great graduate school program (I want to be a doctor), but I'm not so sure about the undergraduate program. But still, to get into Johns-Hopkins is like, to have your genius recognized.
These colleges would be my first choices next year as I apply. Two safety schools that I'm considering are UC Berkeley and UCLA. These two universities are if I do not get into any of the schools that are listed above.
06 December 2011
This is a topic that I found was really interesting. Many cultures around the world have their believers sacrifice animals and/or human flesh to their god(s). This is a cruel practice should be banned because it is a practice reserved for medieval times and before. I am simply revolted at the idea of sacrificing animals for deities.
The other day, I watched this show about how these rural cultures sacrificed goats and other animals for statues and these religious figures. This is really ridiculous, in my view. Sacrificing animals for deities should be against religious principles. Why would a civilized god want its alter to be covered with the blood of slaughtered animals? In this regard, I believe that the Christian religion is the best. From what I understand, God wants more of a relationship with His followers, not slaughtered animals.
This type of preaching is very suitable to my view. Jesus came to our world and preached these cool ideas to humankind. He was the son of God, and his message was ignored by practically everyone around him. People still agreed that sacrificing animals and other products was the way to go. Jesus then came along singing a different tune. The song of this new religion preached a closer, more intimate relationship with a higher power. As his preaching went around the civilized world, government officials decided to crucify Jesus because of the threat to their power.
OK, so my point is that Jesus helped bring out what the modern view of religion should be. From this viewpoint, Jesus was a very modern guy. (I know that most people don't refer Jesus as “guy”, but I like to use casual terms). His ideas brought many people to life, in the sense that he gave them hope that there was a kind power watching over them.
I know this post has been very dry, but I hope you guys can also get a little something from what I had to say in this post.
04 December 2011
This post is about some things that I feel as if I must say. These things and situations have disturbed me so much that sometimes I feel like I'm going to pound my head in frustration. In normal circumstances, I wouldn't talk about what I'm going to say, but why not? I'm not going to suffer any consequences.
The first thing is when my guy friends start “chicken-necking”. I learned this phrase from T.V., and I think its really appropriate for this purpose. Chicken-necking is when guys act like chickens to check out girls. Now if I had a boyfriend, that trait would be disturbing. But I don't, so its really amusing how I observe guys chicken necking. Why is this a source of concern? I know for a fact that many girls don't like to be checked out by some random guy on the street. It's actually really creepy when someone just stares at you and not say anything. I actually had a guy do that to me at Starbucks, and I was so creeped out that I was looking over my shoulder when I was walking home. So for you guys that like to check girls out like some chicken, stop. Please, its both disgusting and disturbing.
Secondly, people on the beach. Especially guys. They are either sneakily checking girls in their bikinis or sporting their six packs without shame. I mean, seriously: go get a room. Sometimes, girls also creep me out. I mean, they're all checking out other girls, and they're checking who has the best body and all that. Jeez, don't do that in public. I believe that the only time in which it is ok for girls to check out other girls is during the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. I'm serious. Otherwise, its a no-no to society in general.
My third in my list of pet peeves is when people do stupid things to get a laugh. If you really are funny, by all means pull jokes. Unfortunately, most of the people who pull these jokes are not funny at all. After they tell this “funny” joke, they wait for the corny “Ha-ha” to happen so that they get their little ego boost. This is extremely irritating because sometimes you have to laugh in politeness. One example would be my Chinese teacher. I don't know about everyone, but it seems to me as if most Chinese teachers are really corny. I think its mostly the culture and age barrier that obstruct them from really connecting with the students, but my teacher is really irritating. She thinks she is so funny, but people just laugh at her mistakes.
Continuing with the example of my Chinese teacher, I will move on to my 4th irritation. It's when people in a higher elevation of power or status require their subordinates to kiss up to them. This really pisses me off because I believe that I am a candid person who says what I mean and nothing else. It's not fair when someone gets an advantage just because they know how to kiss up to the right people. I know that being sweet and all that is essential to success, but I don't like to do that just to people that might be of some use to me. My Chinese teacher would live you if you say she is one of the most beautiful people on campus. She will unblushingly give you an A in the class if you do that. I'm not going to lie, she's going to do that. It's sort of illegal for teachers to do that. Grades aren't even based on merit in that class.
Lastly, I would like to say a couple of things concerning the school that I'm attending now, South Pasadena High School. Most of the time, I keep asking myself what I'm doing here. This place is depressing and boring. Nowhere else can you find a high school that actually follows the stereotypes set in High School Musical. Asians are smart, cheerleaders are cocky, jocks date the hot girls at school, these guys that don't talk much are in the corner of the library reading comic books. Most people here have known each other since they've been in their diapers. It's ridiculous how closely-knit everybody is. Sometimes I feel as if I moved into some rural town in which everything is a cliché. The situation was unbelievable to me when I first came here. It's time for everybody to break the stereotype that they have chosen for themselves. The cliques in the school are so apparent that even now, I don't know anybody that isn't in some stereotype. Even I'm in a stereotype, which I promise you never happens.
These five things constitute my ultimate list of anger towards the society in which I live in. Sometimes, I get so irritated at what's happening, I really don't know what to do. I grind my teeth and try to get over it, but most of the time, it doesn't work. Life can sometimes really be irritating when it wants to.