Now that I look back four months, it seems as if I was a completely different person. The thoughts that I had look almost completely different from those that now are going through my mind.
A couple of weeks before I knew you were supposed to leave, I felt a sort of emptiness inside. At times, I started crying. And ever since you left my life, I have dealt through several emotions. The first and foremost thing that I felt was a great sense of loss. When I said my last "Bye" in person, I started to choke up even though I told myself not to cry. But when I started talking, my voice cracked. Let's just leave it at the fact that I was not able to finish what I started out to say.
Now that I look back, I feel this sort of shame. I have been taught from the very start to never bring in much emotion to people. My parents have warned me from the start that people can hurt your feelings by leaving your lives forever. To be honest, I should have listened. Because this loss that I felt, I should never have felt this in the first place.
One day, you called me. I saw your number on the screen, but I did not pick up. I was so tired of being ignored. I already knew you had a Skype, and that you neglected to tell me. You made time to video-chat with with others, but apparently your schedule is too "crazy" to take out 5 minutes for me. I remembered that I ran out of the house every Tuesday to meet you at track. One time I wanted to walk you home, but you said "No" in such a way that I covered my face in humiliation later. You got a boyfriend, and you apparently forgot to tell me. Remember the one time that you doubted me? Fine. Doubt me then. It still stings at me to think that I was being insulted straight in my face. By not one, but two friends. I was just so tired of all the drama in this relationship. It was just so one-sided. I was just so tired of being forgotten and being used. My voice cracked when I said good-bye to you, but I never heard anything of the sort from you.
My mom was right. I made a mistake in this investment. I was too much of a coward at the time to admit that I was wrong. This relationship now fills me with shame because I now know that I was the one making time.
It's been a few months now. And I am glad that I am finally over you because I am just so TIRED.
Welcome back to blogging..! I don't have much to say that would be of anything ... this is something nearly everyone goes through and how they emerge is up to them...
ReplyDeleteBe well... and keep them apples up..!
Break-ups are so very painful. But don't feel shame when you put more into a relationship than your former friend. Instead you should be proud of the generosity of your spirit and feelings
ReplyDeleteWell even if this particular relationship was one sided, and you were better off without, don't think that way about all relationships as a result. People can hurt you, but that's a risk you have to take because they can also do such wonderful things for you. I'm sorry you were used and hurt like that, and I'm glad the pain is going away.
ReplyDeleteSorry.....unfortunately friendships come and go, esp. at your age, but it happens at any age too. All you can do is move on. I had what I thought was a best friend too, just a few years ago. We emailed and talked on the phone all the time. We vacationed together 2 years in a row. I helped her thru the breakup of a relationship. Then out of nowhere, she stops all contact. She showed up on Facebook and friended me and sent me a message saying she felt bad for blowing me off and would talk to me soon, and never did. So I unfriended her. She since quit FB. It really hurt my feelings but oh well. It's HER loss, just as it is your former friend's loss that she blew you off.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had to go through this heartache.
ReplyDeleteheartache is so tiring. i'm sorry you had to go through it :(
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that you went through this. Keep your head up!
ReplyDeleteIsn’t That Charming.
such an honest post - i hope you feel better!
ReplyDeleteCaring about someone and investing in the relationship is never shameful. The hurt you feel when it's over is normal. Embrace it. It shows that you care about yourself and other people.
ReplyDeleteA beautifully written post. Like others said, you shouldn't feel shame for being open and caring about someone - you're not the one in the wrong.
ReplyDeleteI sincerely feel the pain in your text.
ReplyDeleteI’m really sorry things did not work out for you.
Please stay strong, the right one will come along
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Thankfulness to my father who told me about this weblog, this blog
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I was never allowed the luxury of emotions and wearing your heart on your sleeve can make you vulnerable. Don't do what I did though and shut everybody out just so I wouldn't be hurt.
ReplyDeleteA few knocks along the way are inevitable but when you do meet the right one it makes it all the more wortwhile.
Hi Gina! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog, and leaving some love. I so appreciate it!
ReplyDelete