21 October 2012
Now that I look back four months, it seems as if I was a completely different person. The thoughts that I had look almost completely different from those that now are going through my mind.
A couple of weeks before I knew you were supposed to leave, I felt a sort of emptiness inside. At times, I started crying. And ever since you left my life, I have dealt through several emotions. The first and foremost thing that I felt was a great sense of loss. When I said my last "Bye" in person, I started to choke up even though I told myself not to cry. But when I started talking, my voice cracked. Let's just leave it at the fact that I was not able to finish what I started out to say.
Now that I look back, I feel this sort of shame. I have been taught from the very start to never bring in much emotion to people. My parents have warned me from the start that people can hurt your feelings by leaving your lives forever. To be honest, I should have listened. Because this loss that I felt, I should never have felt this in the first place.
One day, you called me. I saw your number on the screen, but I did not pick up. I was so tired of being ignored. I already knew you had a Skype, and that you neglected to tell me. You made time to video-chat with with others, but apparently your schedule is too "crazy" to take out 5 minutes for me. I remembered that I ran out of the house every Tuesday to meet you at track. One time I wanted to walk you home, but you said "No" in such a way that I covered my face in humiliation later. You got a boyfriend, and you apparently forgot to tell me. Remember the one time that you doubted me? Fine. Doubt me then. It still stings at me to think that I was being insulted straight in my face. By not one, but two friends. I was just so tired of all the drama in this relationship. It was just so one-sided. I was just so tired of being forgotten and being used. My voice cracked when I said good-bye to you, but I never heard anything of the sort from you.
My mom was right. I made a mistake in this investment. I was too much of a coward at the time to admit that I was wrong. This relationship now fills me with shame because I now know that I was the one making time.
It's been a few months now. And I am glad that I am finally over you because I am just so TIRED.