28 February 2012

Friends I Can't Wait to Meet



There is usually always this group of friends that I can't wait to meet everyday as I'm going to school. They're what get's me up at the morning and makes me happy at the end of the day. Sometimes when I think of them, I laugh at what we said or did in the past. More often than not, these occur at random times, and I get a lot of stares along the way. Most people give me an expression of, "Are you crazy? Why are you laughing in the bus?" They don't understand.These are the friends that I practically live for everyday, because without them, my life would be nothing.


They are the friends that I can't wait to meet.


Not that it's been a long time since we met. We see each other practically every day, and sometimes it's still not enough, and I have to call you. When my parents are around, I pretend not to know who you are, and I pretend that I'm busy doing something. I put up this long, drawling voice, and pretend I'm occupied. But in reality, I am so happy that you have called me. I want to talk longer, but scared that you have something else to do. Conversations on Facebook are just not the same. No one can take your place, and I am willing to do anything for you. Not that it happens a lot. Usually I take friends into my family. Then after a while, I start treating them as if they were really my family. It's funny sometimes, how my mind works. For the most part, it's unconscious. I don't realize what I'm doing until it's too late, and my feelings are so entrenched in this person that I cannot give up on them.


Other friends, I have not seen in what is like a lifetime. My parents won't let me see you because they believe you are a bad influence. Only now can I differentiate between what friend is good and what is bad. Only that is too late, and I am already scarred. What I want to say is that I have never, and will never give up on you. You haven't asked me to do anything that I have regretted, and I am glad for that. But for some of you, thank you for teaching me how the world works. Thanks for scarring me as early as you did because now I know that I cannot trust everyone that I meet. For teaching me that supposed friends can turn around and stab you in the back. She-wolves in disguise. I forgive you. It has taken me years, but I forgive you for what you have done. But for the others that had helped me: I'll try to find time to meet you sometime. I have not seen the last of you yet.


I believe that every friend should be thought of. And I am not talking just best friends. Every friend leaves an imprint on your heart, whether you will them or not. There is a quote that I found online that pretty sums up what I'm trying to say is "Many people will walk in and out of your life, But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." That, I believe, is very true. I don't know who said that, but I think it's pretty good.

27 February 2012

Distractions



Recently, I have been experiencing a lot of distractions. This blog is a distraction from my studies. Music is a distraction from blogging, which is a distraction to studying. Sometimes, T.V. distracts everything from this list, and sometimes I watch T.V. for hours at a time. Too bad Megavideo is gone from the internet, or I would watch T.V. shows on that website endlessly. The list goes on and on. The only thing that I would make sure of is that I have all of my homework done first so that I don't freak out about it later.


What has technology made of me?


Before my mom got me my computer, I had no Facebook or internet to distract me from studying all day. Now that I have my own computer, I have gone crazy going everywhere on the Internet. I can swear to you, I have never been like this in my life. My computer is with me all the time, even if I can't log on to it all day. My parents actually have to force me to study or I'd go wild on the net. With this blog, I have gone wild in the sense that I'm not supposed to have one in the first place. Talk about getting in trouble if my parents were to find out that I've been posting practically every day.


It's not like my grades have been going bad or anything. Blogging has been enjoyable, and I really like connecting to my audience. What I do is to order my studying around blogging. Think of it this way: imagine blogging as the sun, and studying as the planets. My world revolves around blogging now, since I've made such a habit out of it. It's crazy.


How do I keep blogging if my mom forbids it as she does? I pretend that I am doing English homework. Now that I am in AP, I have more of an excuse to be on the computer typing things out. It's pretty amusing when I look at my mom, since she has no idea what I'm doing online. I'm not doing anything against the law, and I don't know why my mom overreacts to what I'm doing so much. I guess that's what moms are for: overreacting. Parents are cool until they start bossing you around.


Distractions aren't without consequences, however. For a while during the first semester of the school year, my math grade started slipping for a while. Luckily for me, I grabbed hold of my grade and ended up with a decent grade. I'm actually pretty proud of myself, since I proved to others that I could keep my grades up and indulge in a hobby at the same time. It was pretty amazing.

26 February 2012

Meeting the One



I often think of the question: How do you know whether you have met the "one" for you or not? Is there even such a concept? How can we be sure that when we meet that person, we are truly meant to be together?


This topic kind of goes back to the whole thing about fate and chances. 


I, for one, don't believe in the notion that we have someone out there waiting for us in the world. That idea is really, really scary to me. What I find unbelievable is that there is some force that controls our lives, some predestination that controls our supposed "destinies". For example, if I'm planning to not marry, then the other person has to die all alone because of my choice? Or vice versa? This idea is extremely disagreeable to me. All the stuff about predestination should be left to Calvinism. 


Remember when we used to believe in everything and everyone? I used to be like that. I used to think that friends and family were always there for you. They would never stab you in the back. That's what I used to think. Until I reached my teenage years, and no one was as simple as they had once been. Everyone was more complicated, had hidden meanings behind their actions. Believing in the one lost its meaning for me. I became more of a cynic than I had ever been.


Eventually, I don't take any stock in "meeting the one" at all. When my friends get all dreamy talking about meeting someone out there that is destined for them, I glare. Most of the time, I have to stop myself from yelling, "Oh please wake up." I respect their beliefs, and if that makes them happy with life, then so be it. 

25 February 2012

Body Image



I've always had trouble with eating. I know that I need to lose weight, but then I have compulsive eating. I eat, eat, eat, and then I gain weight. The weight is not noticeable, but it's there. Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror, and then I go "Oh my god, I'm so fat". But then I don't do anything to solve this problem. I'm determined to not go down the road of being anorexic, but then sometimes I don't see any other route through this quagmire. I haven't seen any difference in my weight as I tried my weight loss thingy. Guess I to change my ways.


I can promise you that a few years ago, I was not the person who I am now. I was fit, I could run long distances without even breathing hard. It is so not the case now. I can't run two laps without getting these side cramps. It's embarrassing. Sometimes, I'm so ashamed of the deterioration of my health that I can't bear look at myself in a full-length mirror.


One day, I got so sick of feeling sorry for myself that I resolved to change. I resolved that I will not be called fat ever again. I will never endure that humiliation ever again. I would start going on a diet, no matter what it took.


A couple of days ago, I have been talking to my friends about body image. What was body image? That was such a great question that I couldn't answer immediately. To me, body image is being thin enough not to feel fat. To get taller, not a short carrot as I am. My body proportion is as close to unnatural as I could imagine it to be.


Anyway, those are my thoughts about my own body image.  

24 February 2012

Sex Education



I believe that out of all my friends, my sex ed is the most simple. Simple not in the sense that it was understood easily, but that it was over and done with such swiftness that it was dizzying. My parents don't put much stock on educating kids on sex. My mom has always been short-winded when matters concerned me.


"Gina, sit here."


"I didn't do anything wrong."


"I didn't say you did anything. Just sit."


My mom looks at me for a long minute. It was one of the longest minutes in my life. I was running through everything that I did for the past couple of days, trying to figure out if I did anything that would offend my mom. I searched in vain. I drew a blank on every turn, so I didn't know what to expect.


"What do you think sex is?"


"I never had sex before. I don't know."


"Do you have a boyfriend at school?"


"I think as a parent you should know the answer to that question. Which is no."


"Have you ever had sex before?"


"Mom! What kind of a question is that? Do I look like that kind of a teen to you?"


"Don't answer a question with a question. Know this: you are NOT allowed sex before you are married. If you get pregnant as a teen, you will be a disgrace to our family. I will have to disown you, and you will be booted out of the house before you know it. I will not allow you to have a boyfriend before college because you might do something risky. A guy thing plus a girl thing makes a baby."


"I know enough biology to let us not use words like 'thing' to describe organs that occur naturally in the human body, Mom."


"Promise me that you will not have sex before marriage, Gina."


"I promise."


"You may go then."


I left the room in a rush. I let out a deep breath, relieved that I did not do anything wrong. Then I realized, That was it. My sex education. Unbelievable. So my job was to not have a boyfriend and not get pregnant. How easy was that? When I told my friends, they laughed so hard because they couldn't believe my mom was so short winded. Talk about it.


My promise, so far, has been pretty easy to keep. Can't say otherwise. It's not like I'm sexy or anything.

23 February 2012

Embrace Your Race



Back when I was in elementary school, I used to say that I was half-white and half-Asian. For a while I was half-German, then half-French, then half-Portuguese. I didn't know what I was thinking, probably didn't want to be full-Asian. Sounded boring. After a while, I actually felt that I was really half white. Which was pretty ridiculous fantasy. I mean, this is one of the situations in which I want to pound my head and say, "What the f was I thinking when I said that? It's so stupid! Thick-headed moron!" Now that I look back on what I used to say, I feel kinda ridiculous.


The issue of race can fuel identity crises for teens across the world. This is exacerbated by peer pressure and racism. For me, I was surrounded by half and half's, and by being half something and half something else, I would fit in. To say the least, I was acting stupid. What sane, normal person would act the way I did? No one, which makes me feel even dumber.


I had this African American friend named Naomi, who like me, used to suffer from identity crisis from the issue of race. She suffered from being racial profiled, and she was sick and tired from getting judged by others who didn't know her as a person. I get that a lot too. When people see me, they see "Asian" stamped all over my face. They immediately assume that I spend all day studying and how I'm supposed to have tiny eyes and all that. Stereotypes suck. 


Anyway, back to my conversation with Naomi.


The people who pushed her around called her the n word, and was mean in every way to her. At first, I didn't believe her because I, for one, never saw racism to that level. I mean, I never saw people push others around on the basis of race. Guess I've been burying my head in the sand on this type of bullying. Naomi was like my wake up call on such issues. I never knew that teens would be so vicious towards others on issues that they can't even control. I mean, it's not as if we get to control the parents that we have.


The term "Embrace Your Race" is just a step on accepting who you are. To acknowledge your race with pride is a way of saying that you are happy with who you are as a person. Although you might want to be like your favorite celebrity or someone else, remember that you are always you. Everyone dreams of being like their favorite star, but you have to keep something in mind. You can never be like your celebrity. Even if you get where they are, you are you and not them. There's no point in getting a nose job or botox, because no one will respect you after that. Being natural earns everyone's respect. For me, you can have three eyes and webbed feet for all I care. As long as you are you, I like that. This applies to race. Don't be ashamed of it, because it is basically pointless to go against it.

22 February 2012

Being There



The most important aspect of being a friend, I think, is to be there for them. I consider myself to be one of those friends who always try to be there for other people. I believe that friends are just supposed to be there. That's my moral code of friendship. Being there when they need you says volumes over everything else.


My friend Erin called me one night. We were friends, and we were kinda close. She was having a bad night, and she couldn't sleep. She asked if I could go to her house and be with her. I told that it was okay. So I rode my bike to her house, and threw stones up her window. (I know that it sounds like what a guy would do to his girlfriend, but that's what I do.) She opened up, and I clambered in. Erin said that she couldn't sleep because she was having these disturbing dreams about random things, and she needed someone to be with her. I told her that I'm happy I was the one that she thought of.


We talked about random things, and she started nodding off. She said she was okay, that she wanted to keep talking. I told her that she should consider going to bed. She asked if I could sleep with her.


Oh. What a strange request.


Erin must have seen my facial expression, because she immediately said, "No, I didn't mean that. I meant, like, hold my hand or something until I fall asleep." I guess that was okay, so we were together. Erin was full of surprises that revealed themselves one after another. Sometimes, I didn't know what would come out of her mouth.


"Gina, you know, your arms feel very comfortable."


"Hmmm...."


"What? They are. They are like, this type of hard mattress that feels good around my waist."


"Cool, thanks for telling me." Is it me or is the situation in the room starting to feel very awkward? 


"Can we do this every night?"


"We'll see about that."


For some reason, I can't seem to get to sleep. I guess its the tension of being in someone else's house at night and having someone sleeping next to me. I just lie their staring at the ceiling all night long, not letting go of Erin. I felt something that I've never felt before: I actually felt glad to be the one there for a friend when there seemed to be no one else. It was a pretty good feeling.


A couple of weeks later.


"I really appreciate how your doing this for me every night."


"Your welcome."

21 February 2012

Evolution of Love



Lately, I have been thinking about the evolution of love through the ages, even in our own lifetime. Love can be a tricky topic when not thought through.


My mom has a pretty conservative view of love. As I had said before, she never allows me to date. Thinks I'm not old enough for that kind of thing. I go by her rules, and nothing in my life deviates from the rules that my mom has set for me. Her perspective on love is simple: you find a guy that is right for you. Get married. Have kids. Never divorce. I can never become lesbian. That is a taboo that I touch with peril. I'll talk more about my family's view of sexuality later, but I would not be here today if I was not straight. My mom never really discussed sexuality with me. She was usually busy doing something else. It's mostly my decision, but my mom played a pretty big role in shaping what I think about social issues.


I think that love is a pretty simple matter. Two people meet each other and they fall in love. They meet each other, fall in love, and end up getting married. I'm not sure about the kids part, but we'll see to that later. Relationships are rarely simple. My husband has to listen to everything that I have to say, and he can never, ever disagree with my opinions. I rule the house, and there is no way around my power. We won't worry about the specifics until after we get married. It's just that me and my future husband can always figure it out later. Specifics can wait.


My friends have differing views of love. Some are more liberal, some more conservative. I believe that it's the various social climates that one grows up in helps shape views about marriage and relationships. I believe myself to be a hybrid of sorts. I am raised on extreme conservative values of religion, and my friends are really liberal. I am conservative in some views and liberal on other views. Sometimes, things can get interesting as I attempt to balance the two different ideologies together.


The times that we exist in have changed to the point of almost complete evolution from what was 5 decades ago. Then, marriage was marriage and there was no way around it. Now, we define "relationships" as two people together. A single man and woman can live together without getting married, and no one would think any less of them. But not what it used to be.


I have to admit, I have pretty conservative views about love. I guess I get that from my mom. My mom drills me on the concepts of love that she believes in, and I have no choice but to take everything that she says.

19 February 2012

Parents



As a teenager living with my parents, I guess I can say that I sort of think that my parents are meddlesome. In other words, they tend to annoy me unnecessarily. They never seem to understand that I am fully capable of making my own decisions. They tend to make them for me. My house is like a gilded prison, in which I cannot move a toe unless I am under strict supervision while doing so. Even now, I am blogging under the pretense of doing English homework. It's ridiculous.


Although this is not the first post in which I have ranted about my Asian parents, my anger is pretty much the same. Well, the word "anger" is a pretty strong word. It's more of a resentfulness against my parents. This is one of the reasons why I can't wait to go to college. Here are the following things that I think would make my ideal parents.


1) Let us go


By "us", of course I mean we teenagers and the like. Not let us go in a sense that we can start wildly partying and doing drugs and all that. It's more of a letting go as a sense of letting us into society. Letting us take care of our own business. Not checking up on us that often. We should be trusted to walk to school by ourselves and take care of ourselves at home. If you parents can't even trust your kids at this level, you need help.


2) Don't control our time.


If our grades are okay, we should be able to plan our time for ourselves. Parents should put a hands-off attitude towards what we can do. The only thing that the parents should have trouble with is that the kids ought to stay in line (no drugs, no bad influences, no sex), we should be friends. And no, I did not forget alcohol. As long as we aren't dancing naked on the street raving drunk, intoxication should not be a problem. We are technically not transgressing the law if we supposedly never broke it in the first place. The focal point of the house (at least in rules) should be to study and not to embarrass the family.


3) Actually be there for us


The is one of the, if not the most important rule of all. You have to be there when we need you. Always going out and not taking care of us are not good examples of being good parents. Although Asian parents tend to overdo their care, at least parents are there at every stage we go through. Even if we might sometimes say we hate our parents for always hanging around, in our heart of hearts we're glad our parents are there whenever we need them. Once again, this point is extremely important. 


Parents feel as if they are always there for us when we need them, but this is not always true. Let's take my parents for example. They are always gone doing some business thing, and they leave me by myself for weeks at a time. When they come back, they yell and scream at me, telling me what a disappointment I am, and how I am never good enough for them. It gets frustrating after a while.


***


As a conclusion to this post, guys: parents can be frustrating. Our parents always seem to be the worst in the world. We don't have a choice in who we are related to. That's why we have friends. It's like, Buddha's way of making up for the bad family we have. But trust me: at the end of the day, we will be glad for the people that had bothered to be in our lives. It's always like that.    

18 February 2012

Racism and Social Profiling



Today, I would like to tackle the idea of racism and social profiling. Although many people think of racism as a thing of the past, it is still an issue in the present society. The civil rights movement was a major shift in national perspective against racism, but especially in rural areas, racism lingers on to this very generation. Although technology has revolutionized how teenagers look at the world, there is always a set of values that cannot be broken. This raises big concerns to me because I am Chinese, and I don't feel as if it is fair for me to be discriminated against. Although the United States seems to have moved on as a nation, there might still be some ugly spots in the picture.


***


Let's first start with the rural South. Most of the population is white, or of European descent. For people living in these small counties, most people have lived in the same place for generations. Parents with inherently racist attitudes would naturally raise their kids with the same values as themselves. Pretty soon, a vicious cycle is created in which one generation raises the next on values of inequality.


Although forbidden by law to do so, many employers in these rural areas hold racist attitudes while hiring. Although these people may not say so outright, no one knows where their true values lie. As long as they keep their mouths shut, they will be fine. They cannot be sued in court for thinking racist thoughts.


***


Now about racial profiling. This type of discrimination is worse and harder to prove. Worse in the sense that people act upon stereotypes of others. Harder to prove in the sense that it is not really racism, and harder to argue in court. In my opinion, racial profiling is based on stereotypes of people. For example, if I say, "That girl is smart because she's Asian.", I'm pretty much racial profiling that person. Everyone has a few stereotypes about every race, but it's the difference between whether these stereotypes are vicious or not. We assume that we already know something from our supposed "first impression", and we act upon this knowledge.


Many race riots of the past have resulted from racial profiling. In the mid-1960's, racism and social profiling have resulted in race riots in cities like Newark, New Jersey; Detroit, Michigan; and finally Los Angeles, California. If racism and all that hadn't been such an explosive issue, none of this would have happened. Things have changed throughout the decades, and we have the society that we have today.


The reason why I brought this social issue up in the first place is that people are still being profiled today. All the time, I see on the news about prisoners and petty criminals that are being abused in prison because they are of a different race. Although often causing public outrage, there's really nothing that the government can do to prevent this from happening on a daily basis. That's because racism can manifest itself in so many different ways. For me, being an Asian doesn't mean that I'm smart. Wearing glasses doesn't mean that I would not be able to see without them.


It's all a matter of perspective.

17 February 2012

Trust



I have noticed that, especially nowadays, trust is hard to come by and even harder to re-earn after you've lost it. Basic human nature and experience tells us that after we've lost someone's trust, we will never have it gain. After time, even when they profess to trust us again, the originality of the relationship is gone. The initial relationship can never be revived, no matter how hard both sides try to revive what they had before.


Way back when where I was a freshman (gosh! that was so long ago!), I made a series of huge mistakes. When I say huge, I mean HUGE. Sometimes I feel like banging my head against the wall in my anger against myself. To be brief, I created this whole life that was beyond fake. I don't know how many lies I fabricated to create this illusion of a life I wish I had. Since then, I haven't even bothered to count the number of deceptions that I made to convince other people.


Pretty soon, I started walking around like a known criminal, always looking guilty of something. I felt really bad, deceiving those who trusted me. It was not a happy experience, and even now, I feel guilty with what I have done. I mean, I don't understand why I had to lie. What was my purpose? Why did I have to lie?


Sometimes, I can't even reason with myself.


Not to mention, my lies blew over pretty quickly. Basically every friend that I had turned on me. Couldn't really blame them. I was a piece of filth. A lying piece of filth that deserved to die for what I have done. What surprised me was that they didn't dump me faster than they did. The thing that made me so mad was that they knew I was lying and they purposefully pretended not to know. In other words, I was led down the road, where one lie led to the next, and in the end I didn't know where I was. What I'm trying to say is that if you doubt someone, then say so. I was wrong to lie, but they were wrong to pretend.


Back to the trust topic.


Trust is broken fairly quickly, but it takes absolutely ages to build. Strangers meeting on the street don't just trust each other. Trust takes time, and one must be really careful in how one builds it. I'll have to say that in my case, I didn't do things correctly. And I should have, but it's too late to do anything.

16 February 2012

Choice of Religion



I have mentioned a couple of posts before that I have had a change in religion. For the past couple of years, I have been rather undecided with what my exact religion was, and I can say that I have decided. Actually, I've decided a couple of weeks ago, and this is the first time that I felt comfortable and brave enough to voice it out loud. Although this change has been nothing new, the topic keeps popping up over and over again when I'm talking to my friends.


First things first, just to put it out there: I'm not Christian. Not anymore. I'm an Nichiren Buddhist, specifically a  Soka Gakkai International member.


What sometimes annoys me is when friends try to convince me that one religion is better than the other. Especially when they know that I believe in a different divinity. Let's say that I'm talking about religion to other friends, and all of a sudden, and all of a sudden, one of them pulls out a Bible and starts reading off of it and closes her eyes like it contains all the truth in the world. Although I'm aware for them, the word of their God is true, it doesn't mean that for others it is real. These type of actions make conversations awkward. I don't know what to say without sounding like a rude bitch. (And why would you carry around a Bible with you every day? Aren't school books enough to break your back? It's not as if we have lockers at this school. Lockers would save my life on even days.)


I used to be Christian until I was around 13. Situations changed, and I turned atheist. I was sick and tired of people saying that God changes things because He has a purpose. That's easy for people to say when they haven't gone through what I have been through. And if He really does have a plan, He should have told me what His plan was. If He already knows everything, then He know what my personality is like. That was why I turned to atheism in the first place. I didn't believe anymore in muttering a few words to a deity that wouldn't even come to help me when I needed Him the most. I was 15ish when I first started to focus on Buddhism. My parents (mom especially) were really religious, and my mom kept pressuring me to have a religion. What really appealed to me about Buddhism is that the teachings of Buddha says that the person him/herself has to change the world around themselves. The Buddha doesn't just go around like a trained dog helping people because they pray. Life is good because the believers make it so. They don't wait around for some deity to do anything.


It's not right to pressure someone into a religion, especially if they don't believe. Hell, if they already believed, you wouldn't have to do any pressuring. For me, praying and all that to God has done absolutely no good to me. God has never been there for me when my world felt like it was falling apart. All this talk about how God creates miracles and make wondrous things happen is all BS in my opinion. The people who wrote the Bible were probably experiencing a prolonged epilepsy. And if God can really do wondrous things, HE should have given ME a miracle. Guess what I got? Nothing. I want something real, not just comforting words. Words can only go so far until its just useless noise.


Back to my original point: I am now a full Nichiren Buddhist, and I am satisfied with my belief. And yes, if you ask me, I would say that I am a practicing Buddhist. 


Thank you very much for hearing me out.     

15 February 2012

As A Friend



I was in middle school when I had my first experience with what a true breakup really meant. Although this didn't happen to me, this helped shape my perspectives about relationships in general.


After school, I usually hang out out in the central quad reading a Hardy Boys book or some other series that captured my interest for the while. Yes, even then in middle school, I read books practically all day. I can't say that I was popular, but at least everyone knew my name. I count myself lucky that people could connect my name with my face. At the time, I could only claim a few friends who were girls. The rest were guys. Where I lived in during middle school, I never liked girls based on the fact that they were too... "Asianized". You would understand what I'm talking about if you had lived with me.


One day, after literally two hours holed up in the library reading I don't know what book, I saw Raul sitting in the hallway crying. He wasn't exactly crying because he wasn't making any noise. He was just sitting there with tears rolling down his face. At first I didn't recognize him without his glasses.I was so disorientated seeing a guy crying in public that I actually stopped in my tracks and stared. Talk about rude.


So anyway, my natural side came out. I went over to him to ask him what the matter was. He said that his girlfriend Alex broke up with him for some other guy. Before I sputtered out, "You have a girlfriend? Your dating in MIDDLE SCHOOL?", I thought about the situation for a moment. So THIS was why my mom never let me date at a young age. Things like this happen. I heard all about girls being weak and all that at a breakup, but I never saw a guy CRY because his girlfriend broke up with him. I honestly did not know what to say to Raul because I had no wisdom to draw upon. I was never a guy, and I had never dated anyone before.


Therefore, I did the only thing that a friend like me could do in that situation: just be there for support. But that was not all that Raul had in mind. He wanted me to go to talk to Alex.


Uh-oh. When did I sign up for this?


Like a true friend, I braved whatever horrors would be lying in the immediate future for me and went to talk to Alex. These nightmarish images of my social life self-destructing kept intruding in my head. I was not as world-knowledgeable as Raul had been. In a word, I was naive. I was always trusting, never doubting what others' intentions were. I never thought that other people would ever lead me on. If I said I was the same person now, I would be, honestly, lying my ass off. In the end, Alex said that it would be best that Raul and she kept apart. I felt awkward throughout the whole conversation. I felt like an old, gossipy grandma for getting into others' private lives.


Being a friend to someone isn't always the best position to be in. To have someone call you friend is like they are giving a huge responsibility to you. The burden is heavy, and should not be shaken off easily. Unfortunately, friends are not as reliable as they should be. Bad friends from the past have changed me almost past the point of recognition. Now I am not as trusting, not as open, and know that there are people out there to take something from you, even when you are a teenager. I realized that maybe I did not have to be such a good friend all the time.

14 February 2012

Valentine's Day


So, today is Valentine's Day. Hope everyone has a date. I don't really know what to write for this holiday, so let's settle for a video!


Enjoy!

13 February 2012

Discovery and Chances



You know how they say that discovery tends to lead to happiness and/or things unexpected? Well, this saying, if you should call it a saying, proves very true to me. Usually, I'm a bit shy and very scared of going to things or situations in which I don't have any control over. This leads to the fact that for the most part, I miss out on a cool opportunity.


I tend to define the word "discovery" as a sort of journey. A journey to some place that is either mysterious or unknown. In my minds eye, these opportunities that are lying in wait is like some portal, like I'm looking at them through a window. Many people say that life itself is this type of journey, and to get there, you need to take the chances to get where you want to be in the end.


This friend Laura was telling me a couple of months ago about taking chances. She was in a bad mood because her parents made her move to some other district without her consent. I could totally relate to her since this exact same situation happened to me not so long ago. Laura had no one (except me) to rant to. She was in the mood to tear something apart, and nothing could suit her needs.


"You see that guy over there?" she said, pointing to a guy across the street wearing a bright yellow shirt. "What kind of a shirt is that? Has he turned gay? I know him, and he's the most stuck up ass you will ever have the pleasure to meet. I don't know what I'm exactly feeling right now. I'm so mad at everything. Life isn't fair."


I didn't say anything. Life wasn't fair, haven't I experienced much the same thing a year ago? Why couldn't I say anything? I was supposed to know this feeling. But all I could think of to say was a few cheesy comforting lines, and so I kept my mouth shut. When Laura was in one of her moods, you don't EVER say anything cheesy. Sometimes, conversation with her is like treading on thin ice, where every wrong sentence could send you crashing into the icy depths of hell.


"Sometimes, I wish I was born with different parents, have different parents, had a different life, where no one one knew who you were. A clean slate, you know? You have no skeletons in your closet, no one to incriminate you of something that you thought was in the past....no faults to haunt you every night in your dreams."


Girl, you have no idea how true those sentences are.


"Everyone at one point wishes that", I say, choosing my words with such care that I almost say nothing. "No one is perfect. What is done is done. There is no way to turn back the clock and undo the past. The choices that you have made are already made, and there is nothing either you or I can do anything about it. The most that you can do is to say sorry to those you have wronged and hope that they forgive you. If they don't that its their problem. You have done all you can. Don't worry about the past any more than you should. And you know that even when you move, you can call me anytime and we can always see each other."


"Are you being sentimental? Are you saying that you will miss me?" Laura makes a face at me, and snorts in disbelief. Guess that kind of a reaction stems from me not expressing my feelings often enough. I can't help but laugh since this disbelief face doesn't fail to crack me up every time. As I laughed, I realized that I really cared about this person. I was so shocked by this emotion, I nearly fell off of my seat. I mean, we were in the middle of such a serious conversation and all I could think of was how much I cared about this friend. Sometimes, having a two track mind can be extremely distracting. And can get people off subject.


Discovering who you truly are is really hard. Its harder than it looks. I mean, at the conversation that Laura and I had, neither of us knew where we were going. Neither of us knows where we would end up. At the end of the day, we will know what we have discovered and if the choices that we made were right.

12 February 2012

Fantasies



All of us fantasize about something. Whether we like to admit it or not, sometimes we dream or think of things that we really don't want others to see or know. I myself, have to admit that I know of this feeling. Sometimes I feel so embarrassed by what I blurt out that I can't stand to talk to that person in the face ever again.


I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I'm just saying: Sometimes my mind goes to places that I don't want it to go, and it's really distracting.


For example, many of my friends tend to sing along to songs at random when they are listening to their iPod. Although this is a common occurence, this illustrates what happens inside our minds. In our unconscious minds, we admire/lust for our favorite celebrities. I mean, I know that sounds drastic, but that's what happens to us. We are all going for some figure that we admire.


But back to my thing about fantasies.


Every age has a different type of fantasy. Let's take me for example. I used to fantasize about meeting Cinderella. I mean, she was my idol. Of course, Disneyland was my dream place to live, but then again, which kid DIDN'T like Disneyland when they were younger? Of course, now my favorites list have evolved from Disney characters to real life people. I mean, figures like Taylor Swift and the Victoria's Secret models are all just to name a few that I admire. It's surprising how people change with their age. 


What's cool is that people don't have the power to see what we are thinking. If everyone could see what was going through my mind, I would be in perpetual shame. My friends would refuse to be my friends, and I would hate myself for daring to think these thoughts aloud. 


Oftentimes, what we are thinking reflect themselves in the real world in extremely subtle ways. You start doing things according to the thoughts going on in your head, and your habits start to change. I mean, things aren't the same once your thoughts turn to habits.


It's kind of scary. 


The purpose of me ranting about all the dirty things which happen in our heads? Keep them secret, cause if you don't, everyone will laugh at you.

11 February 2012

Perfectionism



What does it mean to be a perfectionist? Does it mean that we go crazy whenever something goes out of place, or is it that every little thing has to go our way? The term "perfect" in perfectionist implies that people who are in this category tend to want things to go their way. In other words, perfectionists tend to shape their world to perfection.


I tend to think of myself as a perfectionist, but then I rarely live up to expectations. I set high standards, but I hardly ever reach them. High standards and high morality has been so ingrained in my system that it is virtually impossible to wipe out.


I believe that I inherited this attitude from my mom. My mom has the strictest standards in the world: very conservative, extremely traditional on most issues. She shapes the world according to her. Being perfect is the order of the day and has always been the order for the family. No one is supposed to step out of line, and if I do, the rule is that as long as I don't embarrass the family, I'm cool. My parents and I hold a facade of a great family, with everyone caring for each other. This idea is so great that people don't bother to look deeper and see what is beneath the surface. The relationship between my parents and I are anything but perfect. But I will get to that later.


***


Being perfect to everyone is virtually impossible, in my opinion. Perfection is so hard only because every one has a different definition of what being perfect means. If one thinks that one is perfect, this doesn't mean that other people think that this person is perfect. Another example that I would like to talk about is God. I have heard people who believe in God say that God and Jesus are perfect, and humans are not. Then they turn around and say that no one is perfect. This, in my view, is strangely hypocritical. No one can be all perfect, much less make everyone around them perfect. This is impossible. If God was perfect to EVERYONE, no one will be dissatisfied. If everyone is perfect, then we should live in a perfect world. For example, my parents would be with me more and pay attention to what I have to say. This is not the case at all. I hold a lot of bitterness in my heart, but I can't help it. I will talk more about my views of  religion in my later posts.


I believe that the word "perfect" has been thrown around so much that we don't give much thought to it anymore. For example, we say things like, "That model looks perfect" or "That cake is so perfect" that we don't care about this word before. In the good old days, we did not use such loaded words with such airiness. Now, this word has lost its meaning. The saying, "Nothing is perfect" has been reduced to nothing but an old adage. It's so old that it sounds fake.

10 February 2012

Attitude



"Is attitude ever acceptable?"


"What kind of attitude?"


"The kind where you talk off to a person because he/she pissed you off in some way. The kind where you make someone want to throw you off to the deepest part of hell."


"Depends on the situation. Though I don't think that you ever want someone to send you to hell. From what I hear, hell isn't such a bright place."


"What kind of situation? Give an example."


"I mean, if you really don't like a person, then so be it. But make it so that they can't really know that you are giving an attitude. For most situations, you shouldn't be giving attitude at all. Serious attitude can be a problem, especially if the situation gets out of the realm of words. Words are okay, but many people can't control their emotions, and these dangerous emotions can get out of hand. You never want that. You might be able to contain the situation within words, but the opposing side may not. Think of it this way, and you will always think twice about giving attitude."


"You just contradicted yourself a few times there. You said something about it being okay with giving attitude and then not giving attitude. What's this all about?"


"It's easy to be confused about something as complex as this. What I'm trying to say is this: When you have to do it, then go ahead. But if its not necessary, don't ever show attitude. It saves a lot of time. Say what you want to say, but if it's mean, then temporarily to yourself."


"Is it ever okay to give attitude to teachers?"


"Only if they are not the ones writing the letters of recommendation. Otherwise, do it only so that you are on the edge of a referral. And before you ask what that means, it means that you can have attitude without the other side knowing that you are having attitude. Be subtle and sneaky about it when talking to authority figures."


"The thing is, Gina, that I never saw you be rude to anyone."


"Don't exaggerate. Of course I have been rude. It's just that I don't do it to anyone that I respect."


"And this list of respected people include?"


"Friends, or people who I consider friends, most teachers. The human population in general. I have respected almost everyone that I have met."


"How about friends?"


"Friends are friends. There is no reason to show attitude. Attitude is the way to LOSE friends. Unless your friends know that your rudeness was a joke, then don't do it. Friends can be powerful enemies if you insult them. They know their way around your heart. Especially true for girls."


"How would you define attitude in the first place?"


"Showing extreme attitude is when you know you can get away with what your doing when showing this attitude. You don't show attitude to those you respect and honor. It's, like, one of the most fundamental laws of the world."


"I see."


"I really hope you do. Attitude is one of the most fundamental feelings/actions that we do."

06 February 2012

Issues of the Body



When I was only a couple of years younger, about 13, I hated how I look. I hated everything: my face, my eyes, how my body was proportioned. My weight seemed to be against me all the time, as I never seemed to be as well shaped as the other girls. My curse, the bane of my existence, was my nose. It was flat, perpetually oily looking no matter how much lotion I tried putting on it. I looked like a pig, or so I thought. People have always said that I look like my mom, and I resented that I was born Asian.


So, like many other teens my age, I was insecure about how I looked. My face burst out in pimples at the most inopportune moments. Sometimes I was so disgusted with myself that I could not bring myself to look at the mirror. The pimples on my face were just an added load to the pile of steaming shit (sorry for the swearing. I couldn't find any other description) also known as my life. 


Anyway, I don't know when I started to accept myself for who I was. I guess I was in a hotel, and I saw myself reflected in a mirror. That's when I noticed the hunch in my shoulders, the way my feet placed themselves on the ground. Then, I decided something that would change the course of my life. I saw that although I did not like the way I look, I did not need to treat myself as the most disgusting person in the world. I mean, the change didn't happen immediately, few things ever do, but pretty soon I started accepting myself for who I was, not who I wanted to be. Pretty soon, I started changing myself just so that I could look at myself in a more positive manner.


The change happens in the mind. If other people scream at you to change because you are too ugly, then you are not going to change. The most that you'll get is to be hurt. I changed myself, changed my mentality. Once mentality changes, everything else goes along with it. I changed as the months went along, I changed who I was. Sometimes, I actually felt nice with how I looked. I might be no model, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I was happy with where I was, where I had always been.


One day, I realized how lucky I was to be me. Although I am still working on my zit problem, I feel fine everywhere else.   

05 February 2012

Too Cool



Yesterday, I suddenly had this thought about what it meant to be too cool to talk to someone, too cool to be in love with someone who likes you. When are you too cool? At what point is it okay?


At school, I've seen people ostracized because they didn't fit into to norm. The question that I have to ask is what is the norm? What defines "normal"? This word, among many others, have been used so much that if ceases to mean anything. Everyone has a general feel of what "normal" means, but it's usual too general to be specifically voiced. For example, if a kid with green hair comes to school, everyone in the back of their heads will say, "That's not normal" because we know that green hair is not a natural hair color. But what of the more intangible things? The issues of personality or habits? What defines normal in those cases?


I have seen too many cases where kids have been bullied because they are considered not normal. It's either they're too poor, or they have glasses, or considered ugly. At one point, we are so used to seeing this that we don't react to this anymore. When we are sitting at the table, one friend shouts at a person who is not popular, "Oh, look at that loser!", and we all laugh as if it is the most normal thing to say. None of us stopped to think of what we would feel if we were in the other person's shoes.


School is a good example of how people are just like that to people. For example, apart from just yelling mean comments at each other, there are subtle things that we do to make another person feel bad. Sometimes, I give attitude to a teacher because I don't like them. Well, to be specific, I have only shown attitude to one teacher that I had last year. What made me be mean to this one teacher is that I felt she was creepy, slimier than a lizard, and talking to her made me want to run as fast as I could in the other direction. I did not feel that she was any normal teacher. She seemed to care about me as a person too much, get too personal. This rubbed me the wrong way, and violated my sense of student-teacher relationship. She seemed too intruding too be much of a teacher. There's my sense of a normal teacher: don't be too intruding. I guess a lot of it has to do with respect. If I don't respect someone, nothing they do seems right.


That happens to a lot of people, I think. If they think someone isn't cool, then it takes quite literally years to get over that stereotype. First impressions mean everything to people. What people know about each other beforehand affects how that person views the other for the first impression. We consider ourselves above looking at those supposedly below us. It all comes down to respect. We are never too cool to talk to those whom we respect, or those who are on the same level as we are. At the end of the day, we get to respect everyone because we realize that we are all equals.


That's why I try to be nice to everyone, even if I don't have the same views as they do.


My point, I guess, is that none of us are ever too cool to start making other people's lives too hard. None of us has that right to do that to people. As I said before, we are all equal. Although our position in society isn't the same, we are all humans. There is no such class as those who are "cool" and those who are "not cool". It's only a class that lasts in high school. 

02 February 2012

Disappointment with Finding Love



February is the month of love, or if you haven't noticed, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. I would like to talk about the hardship of finding true love, and what people feel when they have failed multiple times. It's not that they haven't tried, it's just that they haven't found anyone up to their standards yet.


What disturbs me most is that people are always going, "My partner has to be perfect. He/she has to be the best out there. My friends all have to want him once they see him." Some of my friends are like that, and that is why they are still single. They are always waiting for god knows what, and they let these great chances slip by them. Their lives, minute by minute, slip by their fingers because they are too picky with what the other side has to say. One of my friends are like this, one Nicole. She wanted the ideal life, the ideal man. She always walked around like she was in this dream. Like she wanted the world to conform to what she imagined it to be. 


It was kind of sad in a way.


Sometimes, she would be miserable because she never seemed to be able to find what she was looking for in the world. Which is only natural. I mean, she has no one to blame except herself. Not to sound mean or heartless, but she really needed to wake up to reality. What she really needed was to find someone who would treat her nicely. She has men lining up behind her doorstep, but she wouldn't even look at them. She was too caught up in her world to notice.


Nicole was smart, but on the account of love, she was a fool. She refused to see what was in front of her face, refused to even notice what was great. Any other girl would be glad to have what she does, but she was never happy with what she had. She was never, ever satisfied with the boyfriend that she had. There were always some trait or traits that were not satisfactory. 


Being perfect, or movie perfect, is an impossible goal. Movies are just what they are: movies. They are fake, not of this world. Nicole, in this aspect, is as close to reality as unicorns are to being real. I'm serious, I'm not even trying to be funny here. Being perfect is impossible. Take it from someone who knows what it feels like to wants everything to be perfect. Perfection can give you migraines, it really can. Which is why I have stopped pursuing it.


Anyway, back to my original point. Nicole was the perfectionist of dating. Every male that she was with had to qualify through her strict code of standards. Every male that didn't fit were either thrown out the door or immediately broken up. Lives were messed up, and Nicole didn't seem to care. She is not a heartless person, but she got the reputation of being one because she seemed not to care. In reality, she was disappointed time and again by the men who did not live up to her standards.


Love is not something that can be set with standards. If one does that, then like Nicole, they are going to get disappointed. Love is not something that you can rush or set standards on. If you do that, then all you can expect is disappointment. Nothing more.

01 February 2012

Friends and Fate

Although I am not a great believer of fate, sometimes I believe miraculous things happen without us humans controlling them. For example, when we meet a friend and that friend happens to be for life, I guess I can call that fate to a certain degree. 


One of my friends, Char, is one of these people. She is also a follower of my blog, though she goes by the name "haha LOL".


One of the reasons why I name our meetings fate is because we had a kind of kinship with each other as soon as we met. Although, I forget how we first met, we became best friends pretty quickly. I guess the main reason is that our personalities were practically the same. Our families and lives were practically the same. These factors made us practically magnetic in our relationship. 


I trust her with all of my thoughts. She is one of the few people, if not the only person whom I trust like that. That's why she is is my best friend.


"How did we meet, Char?"


"I don't know, it was a long time ago. Why?"


"It's just that we have been BFF's since 5th grade, and its been a long time."


"So?"


"It's been that we've been the constants to each other when situations change so fast."


"Yeah. I have to say that I agree."


"Even when I moved, we have stayed in touch. We still hang out when we have time out of school. Friends usually fall apart when they are separated. We didn't, even after all this time."


"Guess that makes us special then."


"I guess it does."


(An interesting note. I have moved I don't know how many times after freshman year, and we have never lost touch. Sometimes I feel as if I'm still going to school with her. That's how close we are. I mean, we are CLOSE.)


My relationship with Char is such that if I went on a spy mission, I would have her for my backup. I trust her that much. I guess we would put our lives in each other's hands if asked to. At least I would. We would occasionally be "mean" to each other, but we know that neither of us means what we say. Sometimes, she knows exactly what I'm thinking. For a while, I'm sort of creeped out, and then I remember that we are best friends. Best friends know each other. 


Still, I do not really believe in fate. Having someone plan out your life without you knowing it is kind of creepy. I believe that it's luck that Char and I could keep our friendship for so long.