27 Apr 2012

Fierceness


Sometimes people act as if they have multiple personalities. I always enjoy to call myself a kind of fierce person. Sometimes, I call myself a shy, which I am. That sounds contradictory, and I tend to confuse not only others but myself when I say that. My personality is mainly divided along with my moods.

A lot of times, I can be competitive. That is when the fierce side comes up. For example, if you are standing in the way between me and success, I will run you down without a shred of mercy. But if I believe you are useful on my way up, I will use you. There was a point when my mom tried to force a sport out of me and signed me up for AYSO soccer. What I did was to push other girls out of the way in order to get the ball to the goal. Winning was so important to me that I did not care about anything else. My goal in life and projects are chief upon my mind, always.

Fierceness can be a good thing sometimes.

If you are weak, there is no way to step up into the world. That is why I have always chosen to be who I am and not change. No matter what other people say, they cannot change what I have been trained to do since practically birth.

I don't believe there are many words to describe what my personality is like, which results in a relatively short post.

21 Apr 2012

Shock Waves



It was a perfect night. I had invited all of my friends over, and my parents were blissfully unaware of my crime. My drink (non-alcoholic) was in my hand, and I felt like I was on the top of the world. I was so happy that I do not know the words to describe what I was feeling. My night was going to be perfect. Nothing was going to ruin it.


What the hell was I thinking?


My friend Josh promised me that we were going to be straight together. We depended on each other for support and talked to each other when we had troubles. In many ways, he was more like my dad figure. At the very least he was a big brother. I have to admit now that I look back, I've always had a crush on him. The thing was just that I never dared admit that out loud, much less tell him what I felt. 


This feeling was just buried deep inside, and  that was why that night was ended with such a shock.


There were only a couple of people in my room. I can't even remember what we were celebrating. I don't think it was even a holiday, it might have been a party for no reason. I tend to do that a lot: do random things for no reason. But at that period, I was young and stupid. Partying was really bad, and I did most of the things I did to spite my parents. My friends were infinitely more important than a word my parents had to say. I flipped my parents off (not in their faces of course), and disobeyed orders without regret.


Josh said that he needed to step out for a second. It was quite sudden. like one second he was not doing anything, and another second he had to go out for some of his air. It was as if there was a sudden lack of oxygen in the room or something. I didn't take much of his actions into account, since he liked to move around when he was bored. He went out to get his "air", and did not come back for the next hour. This was both usual and unusual for him, as he liked to do things his way. I was not his mother, so what what was I doing messing with his business?


After the hour was over, my mind was wondering, "Where in the world did Josh go?" Not even with Josh's eccentric self would he leave for an hour without telling me where he was going. We always gave each other a heads-up when we were planning to leave for an extended length of time. Both of us could take care of ourselves, but we still got each other's back. So I got my ass out of the couch and went around looking for him.


That was when I saw him. He was making out with this other guy that was in my math class. This was a shock beyond all shocks. I was totally unprepared for this. What in the world was happening? 


*Flashback* 


Hey, Gina. Promise you will be normal alright? We'll help each other stay on the right track. We'll like, be our own support group or something. If one of us swerves off, then the other can help save the one that is swerving. Because we know of the hell that our parents will raise once they even suspect that we are...you know.


I promise. And fine, I'll help get to the center if I'm strong enough to help you out.


Great. Don't disappoint me.


Was that all gone now? Was I all alone trying to hold onto my values? That seemed so as I stared at him doing his thing. I felt as if I was drowning and there was nothing to save me but straws. That was when I realized that all I had was myself, because even those who you trust the most retain the right to betray you. In this case, this friendship/alliance crumbled when Josh violated his oath. I was left alone.


To this day, I wonder if I should have stopped and reminded him of our promise.

16 Apr 2012

More Than 140 Followers Ago...



This post is a shout-out to every follower that I have gathered through the almost year and a half of blogging. I now have an international audience, something that I have never dreamed possible before. I can now safely say that blogging is one of my many passions. Through writing, I have explored an avenue of expression that I have never dreamed possible. So far, it has mostly been a great ride, with only a few hitches.


Only about two months ago, I had only 14 followers. Comments were low, almost nonexistent. I had no idea how to get a following, nor how to expand my audience range. In getting blogging attention, I was a total blank. The only thing that I had is that I loved writing. There was a point where I wanted to give up and say, "You know what? Hell, I am not doing this. This is sucking so much time and I'm not making headway." I was seriously considering stopping by short blogging career and give up on this project.


But obviously I didn't.


I believe that my trouble is that I did not really find my "voice" during the first few months of blogging. I had this awkward period when I ranted about school. Now that I look back at my first few posts, they were really boring and pointless. Back then, I felt as if no one was listening to what I had to say. Now I have started to share more personal stories with an attempt at an anecdote in the process. Since I am only 16, I cannot claim to have that many "life" experiences, but I always feel as if there is always someone out there knowing what I am going through, and knows exactly how I feel. For the most part, these stories/news flashes of my life make me comfortable, since my blog is like my online therapist.


I never dreamed of being a blogger/writer before. Whenever I thought about writing, I would think about writing essays and formal articles. Like, really. I don't think that anyone likes to do that except those who are paid to do it. Through these last couple of months, I have always tried to insert a certain degree of literariness through each of my posts. This, I believe is a cause of my increase in followers.


Words cannot describe how thankful I am to all of you followers. You mean a lot to me, and I am so glad that you have chosen to follow my blog. Even if you have not followed me, I am happy that you have chosen to stop by.


Note: I have been reading the comments on my blog, and they have made my day. Thanks guys! Although I haven't had the time to really respond to all of them, I will try my hardest to get to all of them.

15 Apr 2012

Awesome Blogger Award

I have received the Awesome Blogger Award, thanks to Diwita. It's amazing that I got this award.


7 Things to share about yourself:


1) I wake up automatically at 5:30 in the morning. Sometimes, I disturb my friends when I call them at 5:30. It's like, I'm all awake and they're all slurry. As I said, its an automatic thing, it's nothing that I can control. If I had a choice, I would definitely wake up later.


2) Sometimes I talk to myself. This sometimes scares people, and I regret that. But sometimes, talking to myself is the only way that I can keep my thoughts in order.


3) I am addicted to Coke.


4) The first thing that I notice about people is their eyes. You can tell so much by looking at people's eyes. It's a measure of what they are feeling inside. So far, I've been only able to measure tiredness. But the rest is coming on the way.


5) I am really scared about applying for college. I'm afraid that I will not be accepted anywhere, and I'll end up working at McDonald's.


6) I find visiting other people's blogs very interesting. I like personal blogs the best because I can find stories. Some stories are funny, some are depressing. 


7) My friends are my world. There will be a time when that changes, but now it's not that time.


Award Newly Found Blogs


1)Shauna 
2)Patty
3)Mary

Then, inform the winners.

YEEEEE!!!!!! I got an award!!!!!!!!!

13 Apr 2012

Bad Nights



Some nights, I fight with insomnia. I just toss and turn in bed, and can't seem to get to sleep. As far as medicine is concerned, I could have anything ranging from a brain tumor to just weird imbalances in the chemistry that is occurring in my neurons. Is it a side effect of being a junior? Probably not, since none of my friends have yet complained from this problem. Am I putting too much stress on myself? Most likely a yes. I know that I need sleep, but I my head just won't let me rest. 


I've tried everything. I have tried running laps in the middle of the night, going on the computer and watching hour after hour of videos, done homework that I have put off as long as possible. It seems to me as if I've tried everything in my power, but my insomnia keeps coming back. For the past few months, I have been running on four hours or less of sleep. My friends and I have attempted to find what has been bothering me. Not that we have been very successful in finding things.


School has been an obvious factor. College admissions next year is going to be stressful. Getting into a top-notch college is of paramount importance to my parents, and of course, I am expected to deliver satisfactory results without fuss or mess. I'm not even sure if I can get into college at the rate I'm going. But, things are things, and nothing I can do now can change anything.


But sometimes college is the least of my concerns.


***


One night, I was taking a shower, but then my light bulb died with a pop. Like having a bad day  at school wasn't bad enough. It was as if God was pointing a finger at me and laughing as He made my day miserable. So I was basically swearing in the dark for the next five minutes. (I know, it's stupid: Swearing at an inanimate object, but still, I was frustrated I'm the type of person who is used to getting my way without much argument.) My parents weren't home, so I could sneak out to buy a new bulb to replace the one that I just lost. To be honest, it was extremely creepy walking alone in the middle of the night.


But anyway, as I waited in line at the nearest express store, there were a few other customers besides myself waiting in line. Previously, I had no idea that so many people would be waiting in line at some store at two in the morning. The odds were against all of us having a bad night together. 


There were two bulky guys, both twice my size, standing behind me. My leg was about the length of one of their forearms. It was kinda scary. I looked around edgily for something to defend myself. Somehow I couldn't shake the feeling that as soon as I stepped out of the store, I was going to be tackled and raped.


"Hey, Jake, my hun, get me a Red Bull.", calls a high voice from outside. Everyone's head turns towards the open door. One of the huge, bulky guys grunted at her. This one lady was dressed like some stripper. Which I bet she was. There were no words that I could use to describe the get-up this lady was in. I could not take my eyes off: I had never seen a prostitute before. It was as if the innocence of my eyes were being violated.


After I got my light bulb, I beat it out of the store as fast as my legs could take me. I could not help myself from looking back one more time at the prostitute lady. It seemed to me as if the two huge guys were doing her right out on the street. That image burned itself forever in my mind. What really disturbed me was not people doing it on the street, it was doing it with a prostitute. For the most part, I feel that prostitutes would not choose their profession if they had a choice to. They would choose some other job if they did not struggle for their very survival. It's disturbing what our society has come to.


Once I got home, I flopped down on bed. It was a long night.

9 Apr 2012

Mean

"But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean" -- Mean, Taylor Swift


This song is one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs. Many people don't realize what they do to others in their actions and their speech, and this is not acceptable. This song really inspires me to do better because Taylor Swift is basically saying that people who are being put down can one day find success, and those who make time hard for others will just be mean, nothing more. Sometimes we are deliberately mean to others, and this is even more unacceptable than being unconsciously mean. I have seen too many cases in which these more popular people deride people of "lesser" status.


At our school, we have something called "Anti-Bullying Month", which is March. We are given these acceptance speeches and awareness against bullying. We were even these shirts that says "I stop Bullying" in various languages. Everyone is supposed to pitch in and be against bullying. First off: I can assure you that I am all against bullies. I have suffered at the hands of some, and will do anything to stop them. But this "whole school against an unwelcome virtue" mantra makes the whole idea virtually worthless. Although all these are actions very good, my school probably overdoes it a little bit too much. 


There comes a point where a person crosses the line between cool and funny and just being a bully.

What I find interesting is that a lot of celebrities say that they have been laughed at or bullied when they were in school. I find this fascinating because they are celebrities, not just any other normal person like you or I. For example, take Angelina Jolie. She was bullied in high school and she suffered from insecurities from body image. But now, no sane person would laugh at her because of her body image. This is one of the reasons why I am against bullying. You never know who is going to be successful later in life. Once you create connections that you can use later in life, you have succeeded.


The music video "Mean"

3 Apr 2012

Friend Relationships



My friend Sophie were talking about the emotional relationships that teenagers, and practically everyone experiences when they relate to each other. She is a sophomore, one year younger than I was. She was ranting on and on about how she wanted true friends, those who actually cared for her and would call her from time to time to see if she was okay. Halfway through her rant, I wanted to say that I was not the person to talk to, that my experiences blocked me from giving her advice.


Because I had that type of friend. But I don't, so I can't be the one giving advice.


My mom always said that if you asked too much from a friend or a group of friends, you only end up disappointed when others do not live up to your standards. Other people are other people, not you. You can't demand for others to have the same standards as you do in all situations. For the most part, this advice has proven true for most of the experiences I have had with friends. 


For example, one time I was watching a movie with a group of friends. I tend to like to be at least 5 minutes early for appointments. In this case, I was 10 minutes later. Then, I received a call which said that they were going to 10-15 minutes late. Okay. I breathe in and out a couple of times, swallowing back my disappointment. I go in the arcade area and play some games. I wait around 20 minutes in the lobby, thinking, "Why aren't they here yet?" My mom must have seen something on my face because she said, "Gina, why are you expecting so much? They might be stuck in traffic or something. Try to understand what might be affecting them." Fine, I think. I'll be 20 minutes late next time to see how they like it.


I stop and stare at myself in a full-length mirror. What in the world did I just think. Did I just think thoughts on possible revenge? I totally did not! Have I become such a vengeful person that I would exact revenge upon my best friends? NO WAY!!! In my mind, I tell myself to grow up. Am I going to begrudge my friends because they were late for a few minutes? I have suffered worse in the hands of supposed friends.


But friends are friends. Even if they are supposed friends. You forgive them even if they hurt you in a certain way. Girls especially. I mean, we forgive friends because they have found a way into our hearts in ways that is not possible in any other way. It's difficult to explain unless you actually know what it feels like having a best friend. 


After a mini-lecture of my anecdote and my personal definition of what a friend was and should be, Sophie looked so confused that I felt sorry. Which was not surprising considering the fact that I squeezed practically 2 years of experience down her throat in half an hour during lunch. No wonder her eyes practically glazed over 20 minutes ago.