29 Jun 2012

Guilt Trips

Guilt trips should be named against the law. To make people feel guilty is a horrible thing to do because you make people feel bad. People like me feel mean, and sometimes I want to throw myself into the "most hated" group, where everyone is a horrible person. Once you've made your first person cry, there seems to be no going back.

It is often said that with leadership comes great responsibility. Sometimes it comes with extreme guilt at refusing someone a leadership position. I am the president of Invisible Children, a club at my school, and I get top choice at who I want to work with. Naturally, I want to work only with those who are dedicated to our cause and who would actually work. I am a hard worker, and once I say that I will follow a cause, I will put 100% effort in backing up my word. My word is basically who I am.

Back to the "horrible" part. There's this one girl that was vice president this year, but she has come to next to 0 meetings in total. Did she come? Yes, like once or twice the whole year. Did she contribute? Not as much as any other leader. Do I believe that she would change next year? I'm sorry, but I don't believe so. Therefore, what remained for me to do other than firing her? I don't want to have weak leadership in my club, where there is one person not pulling her weight. This is a moment for brutal honesty, saying what other people want to hear doesn't always work. 

But what does that mean about my character when I say things that hurt people? I build my rep around being a nice person, always being there for other people when they need me. I am the shoulder to cry on. I don't say hurtful things, that's not my style. I leave the nasty work for other people to do.

So what suddenly makes me be the horrible monster and decide to "fire" someone from a leadership position?

I reassure myself that I did what was necessary and right for the club. That's what helps me sleep at night because I tell myself that if I had any other choice, I would not have made her cry. If I had any other choice, I would have kept her in the VP position. But she has not proven to me that she would be a responsible person, someone who can be trusted to step up and take responsibility to do what is right and proper for the club. 

Then why is this bothering me?

I made her cry! I don't make people cry! She was practically bawling over the phone. Despite all of my experience with people crying, I have no experience facing what I did myself. But I did it from a professional standpoint. So I guess its OK. 

23 Jun 2012


What is grief? According to the Merriam-Webster definition, it is:

"Deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement." But these words are just a general description of something that is deeper, much deeper.

Do you ever truly stop grieving for someone you have lost? To be brutally honest, no. They have earned a place in your heart, and your heart will never stop beating until the day you die. The only thing that you can do is to try your best to cover it, or do something to heal it. You know that your successful when your heart stop wanting to tear itself up every single time you see something that reminds you of that one person who walked out on your life forever without having a chance to say goodbye, or a chance to say that you loved them deep in your heart but never found a right time to say it.

But if you know that you will see them sometime in the future, that the two of you can be together some more, the sense of loss is much smaller. Its still there, but you can still say that you love them. Its never too late, you always have a chance to tell them. The thing is to make sure that you do.

Drinking yourself into a stupor does not help solve the problem. At times, it can only exacerbate what you are feeling. The only hope that you can wish for is that it will somehow wash your guilt away. Wash away the feeling that, somehow, somehow, you could have saved that person from leaving. At times, you really wish that you could die in their place. Anything to bring them back. Even if it is for one minute. One second. One second to show them how much you cared for them. The only question is what you would do for this chance. Most of us would trade our own soul, including myself.

I guess what people fear the most is that, no matter how hard you try, you start forgetting them. You start forgetting what their voice sounds like, you start forgetting the little things that they do. And when you eventually stop, you realize that you have already lost so much of them that you can't really remember them at all. This isn't a crime. Sometimes the harder you try to cling onto something, the faster it slips between your fingers. Our memories are not perfect, they are inherently damaged. 

Grief takes many forms. No words can really describe what people feel inside when they are experiencing it. There is always a tugging in the heart, a catch of breath, and maybe a film of tears filming your eyes. It'll always be there, no matter how many times you lie to yourself and say its not.

16 Jun 2012


I hate mornings. I honestly do. When there are tests in school that day, or when I have to prepare for a really mind-wracking presentation, I hate waking up even more than usual. But the curse that my childhood gave me was to train me to be a light sleeper, and I can't sleep past my inner clock. 

So what is there to do for a person who wakes up at 5:30 in the morning?

The short answer is always, "Nothing." Being a person of few words, this is good enough for people with my type of personality. But because my friends have me explain my definition of what "nothing" is, I am forced to elaborate.

The main reason why I say I do nothing is because I don't see anyone that can hold my attention for more than a minute at a time. Do I talk to myself? I have actually tried that for a while, but I feel insane whenever I talk to myself for any length of time. Facebook is the only place where you can speak on a wall. Screaming and kicking at a wall doesn't really help because it hurts your foot. Or feet. I mean, it's not as if any of my friends are up at 5:30, and my parents are just going to yell at me if I disturb their hibernation by a minute.

But, mornings can also be a time for many realizations since it is so quite.

An example. I was looking over some chats on Facebook that I had with my friend Ian. It was quite some time ago, and these conversations brought me back in time where I was in an extremely troubled time. As I said, it was 5:30 in the morning, and both the time and the peace of that time brought this situation in an entirely new light. I was a freshman, and he was some years older than I was. We were once close friends, but we drifted apart once he went to college. He had horrible parents, and never wanted to come back. So the only thing to keep contact at that time was through chat. 

Our "talks" usually had one of us messaging the other and saying how our day was. Sometimes it was positive, but most of the time it wasn't. We usually complain to each other about our day and how people have insulted us in various ways. If I had paid more attention to his problems, I would have been more depressed than I was by myself. I mean, it was like I was burdened by my own troubles, and I couldn't bear being burdened by more trouble.

It was never as if we understood each other in the first place. 

The fact is that it was less that we understood each other. It was more that we were just there for each other when we needed someone to talk to. He was there when I needed to rant about my day, and vice versa. We both talked, but neither one of us were listening to a word the other was saying. This is so important that its unnecessary to fully illustrate what it means to just listen.

When we were ranting to each other, we got each other through the day. It was like having a personal psychologist to listen to what you had to get off of your chest. If it helps you go through the day without having to drink, take pills, or otherwise harm yourself, then totally do it.

10 Jun 2012


I've got so many awards just now that I'm almost overwhelmed! Thanks again to L.G. Keltner for awarding me with the following awards.

5 Fabulous Moments:

1. When I finished reading the whole Harry Potter series in 5 days.
2. Going to Europe for the first time.
3. Helping the homeless.
4. When I built my first birdhouse and then a bird actually went to live in it.
5. Causing other people to laugh.

How cool! I'm stylish now!

My favorite books:

1. The whole Harry Potter series
2. Jane Eyre
3. The Chronicles of Narnia
4. The Da Vinci Code
5. Peter and the Starcatchers.

Cool. And the award goes to:
1. JP at JP's Ramblings
2. Mark at http://theramblingperson.blogspot.com/
3. Catherine at Rainbows and Unicorns
4. PurpleMist at http://insomniastrikes.blogspot.com/
5. Megan at http://ladyofmuse.blogspot.com/

4 Jun 2012

Jealousy -- Why Do I Feel It?

Jealousy is a really, really strong word. Why does a person like me feel it? What causes it for me?

This feeling is usually called "the green-eyed feeling of jealousy (or envy)". What do people have against the color green? My favorite color is green. Does that mean something, or is it just coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence, or luck for that matter. Everything happens because someone or something made it so.

So what does that feeling mean for me? or for the people around me?

I feel very close to someone, but that person does not seem to reciprocate that feeling back. That causes jealousy. But this type of feeling isn't really that founded. I mean, its not that person's fault that I don't feel my feelings are being reciprocated. It's not my fault that I have such bad parents that don't allow me to hang out with my friends. Wait, yeah it is my fault because I tend to choose to listen to my parents. Oops.

What else tends to cause my jealousy and ire? Hmm...

When people ignore me when I am RIGHT THERE. This is a huge one. When there is a group, and I am between two people, I get extremely irritated that they just talk right over me. I hate it. It gets me so mad, I'll repeat it again. I hate it when it happens.

I sometimes control people like your typical control freak. Maybe that metaphor is a bit over the top, but I can't find any other way of wording my feelings towards how people treat me. It's like I have this ideal world that keeps getting disappointed, no matter how I keep resetting my values. See, this is why I usually have my walls up so high with people that I almost have no friends. This is why I've almost stopped trusting people. This is control freak speaking. You are now hereby under my control. Beware.

My jealousy isn't so bad, but it's there. It's like a dark monster that appears when I least expect it to appear. It's scary. It ruins relationships, it corrupts trust. There's a reason why morals warn against this emotion.