17 Jul 2012

What Happens Now


Originally, this was supposed to be two posts, but I felt that I could put it all in one. There has been a lot of  negative thoughts, and I feel as if I have a need to say it all. I had a serious conversation with my best friend Erin, and it has solved most of my problems.

"Yo, Gina. So how has your friends in South Pas been treating you?"

"Um, alright, I guess."

"Yeah? Your tone suggests something different. Don't try to lie."

"There has just been a lot of things going on between us, and there hasn't been much time to talk about all of these problems."

"Oh, I see. You see, I stalked your friends via Facebook by hacking your account, and I've noticed something that holds my interest like no other."

"And that would be?"

"Have you noticed that you have virtually no pictures with your friends? Or should I put quotes around the word "friend"? Its as if they're ashamed to be seen in public with you. It's like they don't want their Facebook timeline or whatever to be tainted with your presence."

"I'm sure its not like that."

"Gina, don't play stupid. Sometimes its maddening how you pretend to be as stupid as you are now. How many times have they called you to see how you were doing? How many times have your supposed older mentor called to see how you were doing? Do they even care how you are? I bet having to hang out with you is more of an obligation to them than something that they enjoyed to do. Aren't you tired of seeing pictures of them hanging out when you stayed home? Aren't you tired of seeing the looks that they give to each other and then see them look at you? Why can't they be as close to you as they are with each other? Answer me that one question."

*A pause*

"Exactly. You have nothing. Your family had economic issues about two months ago. But do your friends help you at all? No, instead they turn around and call you a liar. And what's that girl's name...she's the one that moved back to the east coast some time ago. I forget her name. But she was only around for a while, and you had deep friend feelings for her. It doesn't seem to me as if she wants to be friends with you. Just saying. It's just that friends like them too polite to say so."

"I guess I can see where you're coming from."

"You'd better. And if I may, I would like to quote Whitney Houston by saying 'I'd rather be alone than be unhappy'. Its time to live life alone at school because obviously no one there gives a damn about you. They probably hate your guts but simply don't say so. You should have paid attention to me when I told you to not give any feelings to those in your school. In this regard, I'm afraid you have received an F. You have too many feelings for them. It's time to break up."

"I'm going out. I'm done listening to this mantra. I have to think. I'm not the person who just does that."

"Remember, you're smarter than you pretend to be. I trust you to listen to me." 


This is the Glee version of the song, but I think the sentence "I'd rather be alone than unhappy" really struck with me.

13 Jul 2012

Wrath



Dreams can sometimes be horrible things. In dreams, you can run and hide all you want, but you cannot hide from yourself. When I do something that is against the values that I am brought up with, I get very hard upon myself. Thankfully, there are pieces of literature that help with what I'm feeling.


An example: 


"The LORD is a jealous God, filled with vengeance and wrath.  He takes revenge on all who oppose him and furiously destroys his enemies!  The LORD is slow to get angry, but his power is great, and he never lets the guilty go unpunished.  He displays his power in the whirlwind and the storm.  The billowing clouds are the dust beneath his feet.  At his command the oceans and rivers dry up, the lush pastures of Bashan and Carmel fade, and the green forests of Lebanon wilt.  In his presence the mountains quake, and the hills melt away; the earth trembles, and its people are destroyed.  Who can stand before his fierce anger?  Who can survive his burning fury?  His rage blazes forth like fire, and the mountains crumble to dust in his presence.  The LORD is good.  When trouble comes, he is a strong refuge.  And he knows everyone who trusts in him.  But he sweeps away his enemies in an overwhelming flood.  He pursues his foes into the darkness of night. "  (Nahum 1:2-8 NLT)


Bible verses are pretty cool. Especially if your afraid that there is some higher deity out there to get you, and punish you if you don't follow the rules, there can be bad things. The punishment is harsh and unbending. God can be tough. He's a cool guy, but once you've earned his anger, he's not cool at all. I've done bad things to people in the past, and I guess I've earned my share of wrath and punishment.


Does God "pursue" past b****es into the "darkness of night"? I guess he does. I used to be the worst b person  you could ever imagine. Although most of my friends and people who know me nowadays can't really imagine me being one of those girls, I can pretty much assure you that I was one of those people. I was young and stupid, and probably didn't know that people were what they were, and nothing that I can do will change that. What I didn't seem to realize was what I did to people, and how my words can affect other people. I didn't think that I would have cared if anyone told me that what I was doing was wrong. Now that I look back at myself, I can say that I was one of the most despicable, disgusting, vile person that I knew back then.


Notice the part in the Bible verse that says "Who can survive his burning fury?" Not to be too hard on myself, but I guess I would not be able to survive what would be the anger and wrath of God. Although I have changed a lot, I don't think that God has yet forgiven me for the things that I have done to others in the past. Call me crazy and subject to hallucinations, but sometimes I do feel as if there is some higher power "up there" pointing a finger at me and punishing me every step that I take in life. I guess I deserve it.


The only thing that I'm waiting on is how God will sweep me away "in an overwhelming flood", and how I can survive "his burning fury".

6 Jul 2012

Writing Experience as of Thus Far



The first lesson that writing really teaches a person is that writing takes a lot of passion and dedication to complete. Something that I like to flatter myself with is thinking of myself as a writer because I like to write. The only thing up for doubt is that I haven't really written anything beside posts in this blog. The first half of my first year, I didn't know half of what was coming out of my mouth. If in doubt, check out the first few blog posts that I made, and you will get my meaning.


I guess a huge catalyst that kept me going was support from friends and my dad. My mom later supported me, but I've always been afraid of her reaction of finding out that I have been sending "incendiary" thoughts to others online. But as my mom read through the things that I put online, I impressed even her. As my close friends know, my mom's approval means a lot to me, and once she's OK, I'm basically free to do what I want. So with my mom's hesitant green light, I kept writing. Or you can say, "writing". It just depends on what your definition of what I do is.


I've sent an article to The New Yorker. I'm still waiting upon news, and I hope that everything turns out good. I've sent Standing Up, and I did it under the short story category. Although its true, there was no category for "True Story". There was only one for short story. So I decided to go with it, and hope and pray that I can get published. It would be a huge bonus to what I am exploring as a possible career.


Do I expect to be a published writer? Maybe. Possibly. Do I expect to be the next J.K. Rowling or Stephanie Meyer? No. But I found out that writing about my life makes me happy. It's a place where I rant, where I say my true feelings about issues. Sometimes, its like if I can't say it, at least I can write about it. It's more the result of being raised in a culture that demands actions rather than words. Like if you love someone, you do things to show that you love that person. It's never enough to just say so, it's only good enough if you do so. Words are weightless unless you decide to put your weight behind it. And my weight is considerable.


So besides writing here, do I write elsewhere? For the most part, I don't have time to because I need to concentrate on school and all that. But some of you have given me awards on the blog, and I am always ecstatic whenever I receive them. Almost as ecstatic whenever I see my best friend(s). Almost. Not that I'm being ungrateful or anything.


But so far....the ride has been good.