Masks

I was discussing the issue of masks with some peers the other day when we, as a group, came to just about the same conclusion. Everybody wears a mask of some kind. Some people wear a mask of arrogance. Some people wear the "cool" mask. Just everyone wears one, some of us don't even know that we wear a mask.

I wear several masks. Let's start listing some of them.

First mask of all: the mask of arrogance. More often than not, I am arrogant to the point where I think that I am better than anyone else out there. I find myself saying, "Who are you? I'm better than you, and I know that I deserve more because I am just more." Many times, I can say that I am just downright mean with my arrogance. This comes out especially if I can somehow feel that the other person is better than me. Then, the meanest side of me comes out, and I become the horrible person that I am.

The second mask: being "normal", or completely straight. Yeah, sure, I want people to think that I'm attracted to guys 100% of the time. But truth is, I'm attracted to girls to. Hate on me if you will, but I'm kind of happy to say that I am bisexual. No, I don't want to slide on this question, far from it. It's just that I first need to make sure that I am completely on one side or another. But why, then, is this a mask? Mainly because I have refused to tell either myself or my Christian friends that I'm attracted to girls.

The worst type of lie that a person can make is a lie to themselves. This is shown with the girl next door who is struggling with anorexia because she wants people to admire how skinny she is. It's shown with parents who brags in front of their neighbors on how great their children are, but when the neighbors are not there, they start screaming at their children to make them "proud".

When you stop to think and find yourself saying, "I don't wear a mask.", ask yourself if that notion is so ingrained into your mind that you are unwilling to tell yourself that you are wearing a mask.

Thinking Back

Now that I look back four months, it seems as if I was a completely different person. The thoughts that I had look almost completely different from those that now are going through my mind.

A couple of weeks before I knew you were supposed to leave, I felt a sort of emptiness inside. At times, I started crying. And ever since you left my life, I have dealt through several emotions. The first and foremost thing that I felt was a great sense of loss. When I said my last "Bye" in person, I started to choke up even though I told myself not to cry. But when I started talking, my voice cracked. Let's just leave it at the fact that I was not able to finish what I started out to say. 

Now that I look back, I feel this sort of shame. I have been taught from the very start to never bring in much emotion to people. My parents have warned me from the start that people can hurt your feelings by leaving your lives forever. To be honest, I should have listened. Because this loss that I felt, I should never have felt this in the first place.

One day, you called me. I saw your number on the screen, but I did not pick up. I was so tired of being ignored. I already knew you had a Skype, and that you neglected to tell me. You made time to video-chat with with others, but apparently your schedule is too "crazy" to take out 5 minutes for me. I remembered that I ran out of the house every Tuesday to meet you at track. One time I wanted to walk you home, but you said "No" in such a way that I covered my face in humiliation later. You got a boyfriend, and you apparently forgot to tell me. Remember the one time that you doubted me? Fine. Doubt me then. It still stings at me to think that I was being insulted straight in my face. By not one, but two friends. I was just so tired of all the drama in this relationship. It was just so one-sided. I was just so tired of being forgotten and being used. My voice cracked when I said good-bye to you, but I never heard anything of the sort from you.

My mom was right. I made a mistake in this investment. I was too much of a coward at the time to admit that I was wrong. This relationship now fills me with shame because I now know that I was the one making time.

It's been a few months now. And I am glad that I am finally over you because I am just so TIRED. 

My Philosophy

As many of you know, I've been visiting a lot of blogs lately. To be honest this experience has been both interesting and harrowing in its own way. I see people who are depressed, happy, or more often a bit of both. Most of these posts are boring, mainly because I can somehow feel that this person was not being true to the audience. That they were somehow lying to their audience.

With the year (about) that I have been blog-hopping, I have discovered something cool. Every blog is different  in its own special way, but there is one main ideology behind each successful one. The way to really connect with someone is to really be honest in how you feel. The more you connect to the reader, the more they will enjoy reading your post, no matter what. 

Anyone can be a good writer. A good writer is constituted as having good grammar, good mechanics, nice structure. But that doesn't attract people. It's not what strikes people in the heart. People get honesty, because they can emphasize with it. Good writing can definitely get you somewhere, but honesty really gets you to the point where you want to be in your writing.

And that is probably why I keep looking at blogs even though I'm so busy with other areas of life. Sure, there's a lot of people with bad writing out there, but if there's honesty, there's something to be learned. It teaches everybody a lesson.

So this is my point. If I can express something that other people can just feel in them, then I believe I have succeeded. We all live in the same world, and I feel that my world is pretty much the same as yours. We're all the same, even though we give each other all of these labels to show how we are somehow "different". All of these differences are not important. Inside, we are the same person. 

Birthday and the Story of how It Is

So today is my birthday.

I am officially 17, and have no more excuses for being immature.

Naturally, as per expected, no one remembers when my birthday is. This year, its on a Saturday, so not even the school has a chance of sending me a card saying "Happy Birthday!"

Now how do I celebrate my birthday? This year, I have the SAT, a Collegeboard way of giving me a present. But mainly, I celebrate on my own. My parents are usually out, doing something other than celebrating my birthday. Which is strange considering that I am their child and all that. My friends? Let's not even get started because I'll get pissed off just talking about it.

What I did for myself before was that I got a present for myself, wrapped it, and then put it in a "secret" place. Then, when my birthday came, I got out the present, blew out the candle on my cupcake, and called it a day with celebrating my birthday. The years that I felt like singing, I sang the birthday song to myself.

It got kinda sad after a while, so I stopped.

There was a girl at my school that said she was really bad at remembering birthdays. She was a friend, someone who I felt would actually care about how I felt. The weird thing was, I personally saw her celebrate the birthdays of two other friends. No matter how insulting that was, at the time I let it slip because I didn't feel as if that was a big deal. And then one day, I saw a girl walk by with these huge balloons, and her friend came over to say happy birthday and then hand over a present.

Presents aren't big with me. You don't have to give me a present to make me feel good or whatever. The main thing with me is that you don't need Facebook to remember when my birthday is. You wouldn't need prompting to do the small things in life that matter. Because in life and relationships, you don't need a major epiphany to make someone's day. It's the culmination of small, everyday things that will definitely make someone happy.  Birthdays are one of those things, one day to show that you care about that person. It's definitely not the same feeling that you get when you get presents on Christmas. Unless you were born on Christmas or something.

And every year, I get living proof that no one cares enough to do the small things. At least I care enough about myself to write a post and then update a status on Facebook.

Happy October 6th everyone.

Sexuality

My sexuality is a tricky topic. I have been confused and for the most part remained confused as to who and what I was. This is a particularly thorny topic between my parents and I simply because I dare not say how I truly feel deep inside.

Friends are another matter totally. Those whom I felt I trusted I felt most uncomfortable talking with. Mainly because I knew what they would say. Helen would start quoting these Bible verses telling people that people should not be homosexuals because God says that it's wrong. In the back of my head, I say that it is wrong to say such things. It is wrong to say that God hates homosexuals when He is supposed to love everyone. There are only about six or seven verses in the whole Bible that even come close to describing homosexuality. The most popular one where the text describes men-to-men relationships as an "abomination" is often taken out of context. First of all, "abomination" in that day meant "uncommon", not "sinful" or "innately evil" like it does today.

Then, of course, we have all the other verses about how to sell your daughter into slavery (Exodus 21:7 "If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as menservants do."), how to "love" your slaves (Luke 12:47 "And that servant who knew his master's will but did not get ready or act according to his will, will receive a severe beating.") 

And then, we have the verses about women. "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man. She must be quiet." (1 Timothy 2:12) AND "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord." (Ephesians 5:22)

Now I have this one question. Is it still ok to have slaves? No. Is it alright to beat up servants because they did not follow your will? No, you'll be sued. Is is alright to have women in a subordinate manner? I will run after you and kick your ass myself before I ever hear a "yes" from anyone. Fundamentalists use anti-gay quotes in the Bible because they are homophobic, not because they are religious. That's selective reading, and it's sloppy. So you Bible people, stop twisting words out of their context and using them to discriminate against your fellow men and women. It's hypocritical, and if I choose any of the above verses to describe my actions, I will regret it.

I guess my main point with this long rant is that if, emphasis on IF, I decide to be homosexual, I would not like to have these half-digested Bible verses poured down my ear. I realize that homosexuality may offend some of my friends, but this is my choice. And if you can't accept my final decision, I'm afraid that we will have to part ways.